[untitled]

My eyes are heavy and I can feel them falling. F-f-f-falling.
Closed while they're open. Wide and shut.
I can't see. I am blind.
And I was trying to sleep. I was trying so hard, but then I thought about those things I try to think about less. I let my heart beat in heated guilt while I thought of those things I'd thought I'd left behind. And for an instant, I forgot why.
Then he came flooding in, his light brightening my life.
My skin is not warm, and my cheeks are not hot. My heart is not pounding and my blood has not boiled.
I feel the calm of a storm.
I feel the calm easing the sorrows of my past, and promises of tomorrow.
I don't feel the need to worry.
I don't feel the need to feel.
Because this calm is better than anything I've ever felt.

passive - passive

I don't do too much talking these days. These days, these days I seem to think a lot about the things that I forgot to do. - Nico

I'm sick of being so cheesy and hopeless, for I'm not hopeless or cheesy. I like to melt and to collide with other intelligent beings. I'd like to shine and falter in anothers presence and feel nervous when they look my direction. I'd like to feel warm in my heart at the thought of me warming theirs, but I'm always afraid these feelings will fade. And because I'm afraid I'll wander away until I'm trapt in a forest surrounded by thoughts that I don't even recognize as my own, and I'm lost. But there he goes shining at the pit of my heart, leading my feet back to his smile. And I'm not sure if it's forever, and I'm not sure that I'd want it to be, but I know it's for now. And I know that for right now, I want it to be whatever it is. Because when he's shining on me, there's no where else my heart wants to be.

I wish I was a fish.

I wish I was a bigger fish worth catching.
I wish I was a bigger fish to take up more space in the sea.
And I wish I didn't care so much about the kind of fish I was,
because the fish I am I'm destined to be.

Butt...

And if I could swim
I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating
in the dark.
And if was blessed
I walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving
Sunken chest. - Say Anything

Can I just...

He's like the sun on my face, that kisses my skin and turns it brown.
The heat and humidity that turns me to rot and buries me back in the earth again, so that I can grow some kind of life.
The thumpthathadumpthathadump of my heart that reminds me I'm alive.
The red in my cheeks when I'm shy,
The sterness in my voice when I've got something to say and mean it.
The queeziness in my tummy when I know that theres something I've got to do.
The crunch of a fresh baguette.
The ease of a good song,
and the sweetness of every right word.

And I just...
brown like he's shining on me, and rot like he's heating me, and thump like he's my beating heart, and red cause he makes me shy, and want to mean what I say so much I... get queezy, and with every touch and sound and taste, I feel it.

In my skin and my muscles and my blood and my bones.
I feel his warmth seeping into me, and if I get to close I'll melt. So like the earth to the sun I'll admire his warmth far far away from an expanse of millions of miles, where he'll never feel or know that I'm shining back on him.

Big Fish, Little Fish.

We could talk if days weren't so fast - Ben Kweller

Do you think some people were made to take up space? To make everyone else feel less lonely, and maybe these people aren't necessarily meant to do anything but that one thing, prevent everyone else from being lonely. Lets call these people substitute people. The people that fall in love with other people easily, and fall out of it just as easily. Its never anything substantial, the word love itself means next to nothing.

I think I'm one of these people, not specifically in a bad way... I just think maybe that's what I am. I feel like I'm a stepping stone for everyone else's happiness, and you know it sounds like it should be a lonely life but I can't say I mind. Sure I like everyone else want to fall in love, but I've grown so accustomed to the idea that it just might not. I'm completely adjusted to the idea that I might have to daydream about it for the rest of my life, and be content just being a stepping stone. I'm happy that through being with me people can find someone else to make them happier and better suited for them.

But substitute people, my kind of people, we aren't meant to be loved forever. We're meant to be loved for a second. We're meant to be idealized and appreciated for a moment, then tossed back to sea. It's kind of like the little fish that you catch with your hook, but it's too small so you throw it back to sea. Thats what I am.
I'm a little fish.
Some might say I've just got some growing to do, but I disagree. I'm gonna be a little fish forever.
I just wish I was big enough for somebody sometimes, that's all.

The Sleep-Less

I have my moments. I am not always one hundred percent functional. Actually, not even close. I am almost never completely functional or close to completely functional. I'm not even sure how you measure something like that.

Anyway, since it seems I have had this extra time thrusted upon me I might as well do something time consuming and exhausting.
Lets talk.

I need to finish all the work I've been avoiding. It's piling up and deadlines are getting closer and closer and I'm not exactly sure how to deal with it. I know that there are things I should be doing but I can't seem to find the motivation to do them. I'm more concerned with everything else in my life.

I am still hanging on to something I know is lost. And I can't help it. Thats not true, I haven't even tried to help it.

I need change. I need something real in my life. I need less to think about. I wish that it were a week from now, and everything had sorted itself out and there was suddenly less for me to think about and worry about and get excited about. Just life, and the future. Or less of the future and more of the present. The now. And loving every minute of it. I know I'll love every minute of it.

God, can you hear me? It's me Ashley.

And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
and pinpoint where i am
When I finally get it figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself - Modest Mouse


I'm just another face, just another pretty face. In a crowd of thousands, billions, trillions in the galaxy. Just another ball of energy riding through space in a body thats too small to hold all my worth, so some day I'll just leave. Because my body can't hold all that is kept within me. And maybe it was always meant this way. This body is the chain tying me to this world, and without it I could be so much more then... whatever the fuck.

Can you remember when you became conscious? I can't. When did you become aware, aware, aware? Aware that you're alive, and aware that someday you will die? I'm alive, at least I think I'm alive. And I think I'm aware that I'm alive. And I think someday I'll die. But what if I'm not? And what if I don't?

I can't think like this forever, but I want don't want to stop. I want to be here now, but time time is running out and I feel it. I wish I could go back. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I don't want to live forever, and I certainly don't want to die.

I am afraid of what's to come, because I don't know how it will.

11:11

All I can do is hope that she is thinking of me
If I could blink if I could breathe if I could get my legs to move
Well this could be the day I get this girl to love me - Phantom Planet

I don't feel the need to wish for anything anymore. I see the clock hit 11:11, or an eyelash is picked off my face, and I'm not sure what to wish for. I'm not sure if I even have any wishes left. I look at the world around me and I think, what else could I want? Except for maybe general happiness for those I love, but I've asked that before. Do you think the wish gods ever get tired of hearing it? I wish the ones I loved could be happy wish gods. I wish they could be happy as long as life would allow.

We'll end up where we were.

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart,
I've got this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over
My boss just quit the job says he's goin' out to find blind spots and he'll do it
The 3rd Planet is sure that they're being watched by an eye in the sky that can't be stopped - Modest Mouse

I have a hard time understanding people who walk with heavy feet. I know this sounds crazy, let me explain. There's a certain way some people walk, like my mother. They walk with this quick meaningful step, and they slap their feet down. Imagine a quick thud thud thud thud. It breaks my heart a little bit hearing walks like this. It's almost like people with this walk fear that they're going to run out of time before they get where they're going or before they can do what they've got to do. I am not saying that we have an infinite amount of time. If anyone in the universe is aware of the fact that time runs out, and quick, it's me.
But to these quick paced people it's almost like they are going through life trying to live it as fast as they can, because they feel like they'll run out of time. I believe everything happens for a reason, that when we die it's just our time. You cannot try to live your life trying to predict when that time will come, just enjoy every second, minute and hour of this freaking blessing. Because truly, despite the adherent dificulties it is a blessing.
I never want to be able to justify walking through life like that. With a step so fast and heavy you can feel it before you ever hear it.

How I get by

We found a new kinda dance in a magazine
Try it on, it's like nothin' you've ever seen
You sweet talk like a cop, an' you know it
You bought a new bag of pot
So let's make a new start
And that's the way to my heart to
Way to my heart
And that's the way we get by to
Way we get by - Spoon

I think a little piece of me falls in love with every person I meet. Or a piece of me falls for a piece of them. It's rarely that I am ever actually in love, in fact I don't think it has ever happened to my recollection. But I do know that when I think about what love is "supposed" to feel like. That need to do everything within your power to make someone happy, to me that's friendship. I've never known a relationship aside from the rare few that it works out for, my parents being one of them, where you meet one person who fufills just about every need. I think I need to fall in love with everyone a little bit, to find all the different little things I'm missing myself. And that's just how I get by. Because I know that there are certain characteristics I will never be or own or anything like that. So I have to find them in other people who are willing to share those little things with me.

Like faith for instance. I can almost promise that I will never ever be able to just believe in god, or the socially accepted version(s) of him. I don't think I'll ever have the strength to be abstinent from certain things that I know are bad. I don't think that I'll ever have the courage to take risks like just giving all of yourself to someone. Or be selfless enough to have a child of my own.

I don't think I'll ever be any of those things. I know I'm young but, even early on people are able to understand certain things about themselves. So I have to fall in love with everyone a little bit, because if I think too much about all the things I lack, then I've almost got nothing left. I have to be able to pretend that somehow the characteristics everyone I care about own, I in turn own too. It makes me feel more human.. or something.

the Re-Turn(s)

Where have you been my blue eyed son?
Oh Where have you been my darling young one? -Bob Dylan

I have been silently crawling out of my skin. Less silently and more openly. Publicly. Beautifully. Like a piece of art. Or a caterpillar becoming a butterfly and I'm still making all of these pitiful mistakes. Avoidable mistakes. Predictable even. I am predictable. But everyone else can predict it, and me? I'm lost to myself. There's some kind of beauty in that. I'll never get sick of being around me, as long as the me I'm being is still changing and growing. Even if I don't like who that person is one day, I suppose I'll enjoy the journey.

And lately, my chest has felt tight. Like weight was being dropped on it, and my hearts beat seems off. It's out of sink with my head.
And I've been writing, just not in the conventional sense. Still presenting my thoughts to the world but in a louder, less effective, manner.

And Lastly, at least I'm consistent with myself.

Truth: I want to be happy, but honestly that takes work. So much goddamn work. I dunno if I have the energy to work at it anymore.

[untitled]

Isn't it awful? This trust thing. I trust you not to abuse these precious words that I took so fucking long to spit out. How can anyone do that? I can't. Or won't.

Etc.

I think I've lost my ability to absorb. To take in new information. I'm so set in my ways I've suddenly gone from being such an open accepting person to this shut down closed off stone. I no longer need compassion to see past the words that someones using to see into the meaning of what they're saying. Or to see their intentions, good or bad, pure or corrupt. Whatever.
I've lost it. And I'll look at the people around me, and no matter how I try to look with different eyes, these are still my eyes. My only means of viewing the world through a lens. And because I am so set in my ways, I never need any understanding to try and see why someones acting the way they are. I just need my knowledge and experience... right? Or at least that's what everyone thinks.
I refuse to accept and believe that there is a certain point when we lose the ability to understand one another, and think not only of ourselves, but of the world around us.
I refuse to believe that we are all lost to our own minds.
I refuse.

I talk like I know already, and maybe I do. But I can't tell just yet. It needs time, time, time, everything needs fucking time. Why do I have to put it off? and wait? Is there a perfect moment to take the chance I want to take? And If there is, how would I know? Because I never knew before, and I certainly don't now. But I've felt this before, meeting someone like me. It's exciting, a mirror image of myself doing the same things I do.
Its frightening. I can barely be around me, and having another one of me... it's too much. It wont work, work, work.

[untitled]

I do not know. I am to focused on that. The idea that I don't know something, something that has to do with me. I still think about it. I can't help myself, I still want something specific, but I don't have the courage to say what.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'll screw it up. I can already tell, but I don't want to. I want to not screw this up, because I'm so damn good at screwing everything else up.
But I know it wont make me happy. I can already tell. It'll make me happy for now, and no matter what I do I'll keep thinking of that other thing. It's temporary happiness, and I don't want it to be like that.
I might not know what the hell I want, fine, but I sure as hell know what I DONT want. And that is not it.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm doing it again. That thing I love to do. Just question everything, or assume things and I probabily wouldn't be in this mess if I didn't do that all the time. I just can't keep my
damn
mouth
dfkldjgkl

[untitled]

I can't stop asking these questions of myself and everything around me. I can't stop questioning every move I make and what signifigance it has. Or why I keep on moving. Or why I exist at all.
And maybe I should get out of my own head sometimes. I try. But the doors are always locked and it's like I'm trapped. I am not sad. I am not depressed. I am not anything. Confused maybe if I had to put a word to it.
I can't put words on any of it. I. I. One little vowell represents to much. Me. It. Her. I.
I've lost track of myself. And I can't find her. And it makes me want to cry. I feel lost, and alone. Like when you're in the supermarket with you're parents and you lose them and there's that sinking feeling that you'll never be found again and you start to freak out. That's where I'm at.
This life is what I make it. This life is what I make it. This life, is what I make it. This, Life, is what I make it. This life is, what? I make it. This life is what... I... make it?
These words have to be true. They've got to be true. They must be true. And they can't be. I feel this pressure to become. Not anything specific but to just... grow into myself. Be successful. Contribute to society. participate Participate PARTICIPATE
It's like gravity is pushing me down and smashing my spine. And my brain is going to start oozing out of my ears.
I know. I think too much. I know I know I know. But I can't stop this all. I can't stop time, it's getting away from me and I'm just sitting here. I am just sitting here.
I'm missing something.
I've
got
to be.

[untitled]

Shut your mouth, use your brain.
And why do you have to always be so damn abrasive?
I love making friends, I do, but I can't just be someone who's not me. And maybe by acting however I was acting I'm acting so characteristically not me.
But then who is me really?
and who gets to say?

[untitled]

Are there coincidences? Just little glimpses of a chance to do something, or to change, and we have that moment to decide what we want to do: play it safe or let go. Or are these instances something greater? Part of some master plan to the universe?

If I think the latter, I'm being conceited. Conceited in thinking that in a place as large as the world, and the universe, the cosmos would be concerned enough to have a hand in what I do.
If I think the former, then inevitibly we are alone.

[untitled]

We are in this battle, between ourselves and the universe. We want to believe that every deicision we make, good and bad, will somehow play some big role in the universe's end game, but what if it doesn't. What if we just all float around together on this giant rock for absolutely no reason, just to be eventually blown up by our star in like a gagillion billion years from now? Maybe I am conceited, and selfish. I feel like I have to exist for a reason beyond just existing and coexisting.

Its like we're all in a play, but to each one of us we're the main character. Like I am the lead in my own play. I am the brains behind it and the director, and my play happens to intersect with others plays but its plot is in no way defined by anyone elses. And outside of all these little plays there is a bigger play which inherently means that in a little minute way we are a part of this large play, but in no way are we any sort of major role.

Or maybe the universe only exists to be observed, right? And so that's our purpose, to observe the great everything. And without someone to observe the universe, what is it's purpose of existing? Maybe that's selfish, and maybe it's stupid and naive to believe that somehow all the bad things and bad people somehow have to exist and happen in order to play out in the larger scheme of things. But I can't just sit here and think that I have no purpose. That I was just flung into existence to exist and end.

Eggs-O-Ten-sShell is.. Um?

So there is this idea that we're all existing at the same level as everything else in the universe. That despite what we perceive and define as reality, everything in essence is composed of the same things. I am me, and you are we, and we are all together. Kafka said it best when he implied that our compositions are so radically similar to everything else around us, that we can turn into giant freaking roaches.
But I just have to wonder how can we be so similar to everything else and yet so apparently different. And maybe that's where the absurdist ideas come in that say that we will never be able to fathom any kind of answer to the meaning of everything. Not as to say one doesn't exist, but that our human capacity just has no power to comprehend it.
And maybe that is true. We all pride ourselves as being the most intelligent species on earth, but maybe our level of consciousness is so small compared to whatever else is out there. We can't fathom this inevitable idea of infinity, that no matter what we say everything will always come back to.
We try. We do our best to explain through math and theorems thought up by some of the most intelligent of our species, but do we ever stop to think that defining the infinite is probabily the stupidest thing we could ever do. Infinity exists solely to not be defined, that is the point of infinity. To exist forever and never reaching any end. But yet we try to find some sort of explanation to what exactly infinity looks like and feels like, and I get the feeling that infinity exists as everything and feels like everything and confining it is such a narrow minded way of looking at things in this great expanse of existence.
Maybe we as a species are narrow minded. I wouldn't be shocked. We kill one another thinking only of ourselves and don't even stop to consider the consequences of abusing and wasting all our resources. We think we're invincible, because we've created this machine like world to live in, but I guarantee anyone who asks that anything that has to do with modern civilization will inherently destroy us all. And anyone who can't see that and would rather live in ignorance is just a prime example of why humanity can never come up with any concrete answers about anything.
Because we don't think enough about the questions to get the right answer. We ask what we will and interpret the answer to suit our needs.

come on baby

The power of positive thinking: often underestimated, but the strongest thing we have. Pesimism is the new epidemic, it's so fucking contagious. I can see all the bad things I see, and just like everyone else, I've lost my hope, my ability to see beyond now and to a better future. My eye's are set to, this world is already so fucked up why bother?

Then I meet like-minded peopele, who see this world and all it's problems and see nothing but hope. Nothing but this idea that as long as we're alive, we can fight to be the best people we are and do the best we can and just caring and being vocal about it is enough to ignite some change. In the mood of a people, in the scope of the world.

So maybe the reason I never do anything to positively affect the world around me, is because I don't think I can. Or feel like I never do. You can't inspire hope in a people if you've got none yourself.

So then I have to ask myself; where does hope come from? This idea that tomorrow can always be brighter than today and today can always be better than yesterday. I have this theory, and maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like we're all born with that fire. This bright eyed cheery notion that anything can change in a second, and I can change the world. But as a society we get so afraid of one another we have to do everything we can to snuff this little light out, until we're all just empty impassive unhappy unsatisfied shell.

We can all "light our" own "fires" in a sense. But doing that is much harder than putting out the flame. That takes time and concentration and some serious critical thinking. Because suddenly you have to change a persons entire way of thinking, the way of thinking we've all become accustomed to.

So I'm going to do something about this. I hate that my thinking has become so stagnant and dark. I want to see the light in everything and everyone. I am on a mission to re-wire my brain so I can do my part instilling some much needed hope in this world.

I've got a..

Dear You,
I am sorry. I think I got a little ahead of myself. Maybe I expected to much, and my expectations have been exceedingly ridiculous lately. I think I made you into something I know you're not. And I think it made me feel better pretending that you were. I don't expect you to know that this is for you, or to understand why I feel the need to apologize, just know on some level that I mean it and accept it.

I do this a lot. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but it feels like a lot. And it's got nothing to do with you, you did nothing wrong or different or anything, I just do this thing. I don't know how else to describe it, and I wouldn't want to be able to. Putting a name on something confines it to that thing, and that is something I refuse to do with my actions.

One thing I want you to understand is that despite everything I think or say or do, in some weird way I did mean it. And I did wish that I wasn't just getting ahead of myself, and a little gnawing in my gut says I still do. So here is my proposition, lets start over. I think we got off on the wrong foot, and that is totally my fault. I didn't allow you to be who you are, but tried to make you who I wanted you to be. And I, didn't allow myself be who I am because I got so distracted and concerned with who and what ever you are.

So even though you'll never know I said any of this, I hope in some way you'll feel the change and you'll know. Because I think knowing you could be great, and I think for you knowing me could be great. So lets just know each other and leave it at that.
And if knowing ever seems like not enough, we'll go from there, but until then I'd just like to worry about step 1.

Hi, I am Ashley. You are?

In the end

Where has all my sense gone?
I think it's been drowned in pity.
Fuck pity. That emotion makes me sick. Like it physically makes me nautious to think about the whole concept of pity. The idea that someone would care, but selfishly. They hate the feeling of guilt so much that in order to not bear that guilt anymore, they pretend to be concerned. Or care. Or worried. A completely selfish desire disquised as some warped compassion.
And being handed all this pity my mind will just suffocate. Choke on it, until it has no other choice then to start vomiting up back all this disgusting emotion shoved down its throat.
And that, that is where all my sense has gone. I can't decide if I want it back, I want to want it back. I want to not feel... like this. Whatever this is. I want to not feel it, or at the very least be able to identify it.
And all my words seem so empty. There are so many of them, can they even convey this emotion that I'm feeling.
It's not sadness, or depression, or stress, or anxiety. It's some weird new feeling that I have no idea if I've ever felt before. It's almost like not feeling.
Like having someone touch your arm but not feeling it, and the times you do its like being electrocuted.
It burns.
It hurts.
I hurt, and I don't.
I feel, and I don't.
I'm stuck in purgatory,
And I'm not.

[untitled]

I feel like I've had all the sense I was missing knocked into me. Literally knocked into me with blunt force. I can't do that thing I would do... or maybe the word is wont. Where I will just allow myself to get so entranced in an idea or thought that I let it consume me. I still want the same things, but its almost as if all the words I've been saying regarding such things I'm actually starting to feel. And react to.
I talk about forever, and I had this idea that forever is saved for someone that things just work with.
But upon further thought and examination, I was and am totally completely wrong. I don't even have the courage to try to make anything work. I'm like a fucking scared puppy. God forbid I actually compromised with someone or acted sane for like one second.
And it's so easy to act on emotions initially. It's so easy to ask someone out or make the first move and kiss someone. But if there was something that really required me to stick my neck out and take a chance on someone, fat freaking chance.
Now I'll attribute that to the fact I'm young and I have forever to find someone worth trying for. But I have this sinking feeling in my gut that forever just isn't enough time. I am so dysfunctional or at least I pretend to be, and I'll say everything is the problem except me.
Really god forbid I will ever take a risk on anything. The pathetic part is I know, and I preach, and I tell myself that this is my one life to live, so this is the only opportunity I will get to ever risk anything. But despite that realization, and telling myself that. I cannot. I refuse. My entire body fights back as if I am suggesting something absolutely absurd.

And then I'll have these dreams. Dreams that are so completely ridiculous but the person I'm playing is still so freaking logical. I can't break this curse.

To truly connect with someone, or get anywhere in life, all logic must be thrown out the window. And me, no matter how much I say to me or anyone else on the matter, I cannot break these confines.
Only a fool is practices logic.

What

As far as I'm concerned, the best songs are about love. Because there are no words, or supposedly, there aren't any words for "love". I think I've changed. I feel so cynical. I'm supposed to watch for depression, I don't feel depressed. I don't think I feel anything. That's a lie, I feel things, just not the way I did.
Maybe it takes a while to get back to where you were. But I wouldn't even begin to know how to find my way back, or if I'd even want to go.
And I'm not scared, that scares me. I've spent so much time thinking about things and worrying about things and wanting things and now I can't even articulate. I can barely decipher small things like whether I want to get out of bed, or turn on the tv. It's like I'm not living my life, but someone elses. Like at some point I was thrown into this existence from my real reality.
And maybe that's why I feel so distant and off. None of this is real, well maybe it is real but it doesn't feel real. I feel like I'm whining, or succumbing to some stereotypical outline of what a teenager is supposed to feel like. Disconnected, distraught, and dissatisfied.
But it's not even that. I am unaware of what I am, I don't even know what word could be used to describe it.
I feel lost.
I feel like I'm wandering around in my own brain, only it's not really my own brain anymore, it's someone elses.
Its even weird to look in the mirror, because that person looking back at me, that can't possibly be me. She looks pudgy cheeked and cheerful, alive. Healthy. And when you talk to her she seems exactly that.
But then inside me head I'm getting all jumbled up cause what I think, say, do, feel, are all completely and ridiculously different.
And all these event's happening around me feel unreal.
I feel like I'm in a dreamlike state of indifference.

my arcile

Lets talk about god and the devil.
We like to take thee characters and turn them into something fathomable. Something believable, because as humans we couldn't even begin to comprehend god or anything related to such a divine power. I don't believe in god, in the normal sense. I don't believe that there was a being, a life-form that set out to create humanity.
I feel like most people misunderstand what god really is, and it goes back to that perception thing. One person perceived god and the idea of god one way, and suddenly it's become so skewed and unrecognizable we no longer have the opportunity to really react to this information that has been set before us. Either accept, or deny. Be either admitted to "heaven" or damned to "hell".
My perception, and the way that I think maybe it was intended to be perceived as, is that God is an idea. God is the embodiment of all that is good in humanity. God is kindness and selflessness and compassion. Satan, the devil, Lucifer, what have you, that is the bad parts of humanity. That is greed, and jealousy, and pride, our basic instincts. To want for ourselves and only ourselves and think of no one else. God and Satan are just loaded words that just mean good and bad. Right and wrong. Yin and Yang.
It is so easy to just get angry every time something doesn't go the way you desire. It's easy to never admit that I was wrong, or to take from someone who doesn't know any better. And because of our conscience, and the way the universe works, you end up in hell. This life constantly Eb's and flows between this heaven and hell, the two worlds often intersecting where most of us fall. Between indifference and ignorance.
Succumbing to our bad natures will only make our lives harder. It will only push us to our worst making this "hell" a physical reality, and we're all headed there.
Now fighting that, and trying to be a better person I firmly believe means that we can reach a bliss, and perfect state of yin and yang.
People spend their entire lives building up for the moment where they will reach this ultimate end, and they will be sentenced to eternity in...wherever. But eternity is here, this reality that we all exist in, this is eternity. And as the universe intended, we can make it as we wish either a hellish horrible place to exist, or something more than that. Something that is worth more than just existing in.

[untitled]

Perception is funny. I see me this warped way, and everyone else that looks at me will put me through their shallow lense and see something else. I can't help but wonder if the person I am at the end of the scope is still me. Or if at some point along the way I was twisted and contorted into something else unrecognizeable.
And how would they even know?
How would I even know?
But if I think about it to long, it doesn't matter, because in essence we're all exactly the same. We all want things and get scared and upset. Almost nothing seperates every one of us because deep down we all have no idea what the hell we're doing or where we're going and why.
But we don't see it like that. We all focus on these minute differences, these little things that we make CATASTROPHIC when in the view of the rest of the universe or even the world, we are all exactly the same. One human is another is another is another.....

[untitled]

Where have all my words gone? All my passion is lost. I am fine. I'll say it again, I'll say it a thousand more times. I am fine, but that term is so relative. Physically nothing is missing, or wrong. But every ounce of desire and want is laying somewhere lost to me. It's no longer controlling my mind or driving my actions. I am no longer driven. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm not upset, I am not happy, I am not anything. I am just here.

[untitled]

Take a breath.
Just one,
and step back.
Eyes closed,
heart open,
eyes open,
world closed.
I'm not grown up enough for this. I am trying, really.

I wish I had the strength. I am lazy... or scared. I don't know.
I wish I had the words that I know I'm keeping somewhere.
And I wish that the words I used instead didn't sound so misplaced and awkward.

And I am so honest. I can't stop myself. I am over-involved. I allow myself to be consumed by other people's lives and problems, because if I am focusing on what's wrong with someone else's life, I don't have enough time to think about how screwed up I am.

And no matter how hard I try, I cannot scrub this from my soul. I feel guilty. So guilty. It stains me, and everyone can see it. And I feel like I have taken so much and I don't deserve anymore, but I want more. I crave more. The greed consumes me, like a fire in a dry forest. I can't get in, I can't get out. I'm stuck. Perpetually stuck.

Le coeur a ses raison que la raison ne connait pas.

And I'm just too tired to fight
So my darling, I'll succumb - Sea Wolf

My heart is an amazing thing. The central piece to this odd combination of organs, fluids, muscle, and flesh. It keeps me alive, in the common sense of the word.

But beyond that, its duties run much deeper. It draws the line between just plain existence, and really being alive. There is this amazing thing that happens when I think about certain things or people. I become warm, and my heart beats hard enough for me to notice. And I feel. I feel what it's like to be alive, and human, and conscious. And it's beautiful. But more than that, it serves as a reminder. When I start to question myself, and my thoughts, the way my heart beats tells me how I feel about my thinking.
When it aches and I find it hard to breathe, I know that something's wrong.
When it beats fiercely causing my blood to boil and my skin to pink, it's something that in the back of my mind that I've been denying and suddenly emotion hits my body like a hurricane, and I will be smiling in all this warmth, or embarrassed at my display of emotion.
And when it beats calmly, while I confront something that used to make my skin pink and blood boil, it's a symbol of my growth. How far I've come, and how much I've changed.
My heart and its reactions and spasms, is what separates me from everyone else out there.
They are the things that indicate who I really am, and what I really want.
And beyond keeping me alive in the scientific sense, it shapes a purpose for my motives. It gives me meaning and some fight in this long and sometimes dreary existence.

Rafiki

So anytime somebody needs you,
Don't let them down although it grieves you,
Someday you'll need someone like they do - Led Zeppelin

My friends can read me like a book. And it's amazing how I can think about something, but until someone says it to me aloud, it's almost like I've never really thought about it at all. But when I start to vent and whine about all these things that I feel like I can't change they will tell me exactly what I was afraid of. They will say I can change it but I...

"over-complicate things"
"think too much"
"are lazy, either you don't really want what you say you do, or you're scared"
"Maybe the reason you care more about my relationship is because if you actually built your own you'd have to take some sort of risk"

And it's true. Every single freaking word. And I know this, I've known all these things before anyone brought it up, but I never accepted it. I assumed that it was just me being overly judgemental, but maybe I've been to lax with myself. I've let myself perpetually sit in a stew of my own problems, that I can fix. That I can do something about, but I wont. I sit on top of them, and complain about them. But will do nothing to fix them.

I have never taken a huge risk on anyone. I always gave into the idea of a sure thing. I have never, once, as long as I can remember, put myself out on a limb for someone. And maybe that's why relationships, they don't work. Or maybe it's because I spend all my time thinking about what to say and how to say it, when really the words probabily aren't all that hard to conjure up.
Maybe I am lazy.
Maybe I am scared.
And maybe I've forgotten how to talk to people I don't know.

Or maybe it's a combination of all 3.
And then when I finally do want to talk to someone, what do I have? Just this abrasive fucking attitude. I am so good at being an asshole, I never revert out of it fast enough to show anyone that I really am a good person.

And all my friends know this.
And all my friends say this.
And sometimes that makes me wonder,
how did I even get friends in the first place?

God put a song on my palm that you can't read.

i sleep on my back cause it's good for the spine
and coffin rehersal
i know a psychic who reads her own palms
and the findings are personal
she keeps her fists shut tight and she sleeps on her side,
well maybe she knows something i don't know - Why?

Am I a liar? I do keep things from people, I think that's just human nature. You can't trust everyone with everything, but what if I purposely keep certain things from certain people. Am I a liar then? Or do I just have secrets that I value too much to share with said person?
I guess in order to be a liar I would have to warp the truth somehow. But here I just neglect to mention truths.
No they don't concern anybody.
And no, they're nobodies business. And no, it's nothing life altering or dangerous. They're just secrets, little secrets that keep my insides separate from the outside world.
And as long as I can remember, I have always been honest, and forward. I have always spilled my heart out to anyone because if they see all my wounds there is no way they can expose me, or embarrass me, or take advantage. But lately, this last year or so these little things have been piling up. Because they're nobodies business... right?
Because they don't concern anybody other than me.
Because I don't want someone to look at me and feel bad. Or try to pretend that they understand, because I am sick of hearing "I get that" or "I know exactly!" and then it's like I haven't taken a big risk and shared something personal, it's suddenly about them. And what they have to say.

And maybe I don't want to take that chance because what if they did actually care, and recognize I just took a risk on them. Where would that put me? I don't think I could even handle that kind of attention.
And suddenly I would be vulnerable again. I would have confided one of my little secrets that I hold deep in the back of my mind, in someone else who has a mouth, and a tounge, and a vocabulary. Someone who is perfectly capable of doing what I had tried to avoid for so long by being so open about everything. I would be exposed.

So does that make me a liar? The fact that theres something to expose?
Am I a faker?
Or a denier?
Or am I just like everybody else, acting like I'm something I'm not?
And if that is the case, I don't think I could even separate who I am, from who I pretend to be.

Good Days

I find that when something good happens I have less to say. Or at least I'm at a loss of anything intelligent or remotely interesting to say. It's almost as if everything falls into place and there is nothing left to say. No words to describe or explain. And maybe that's why I only write on bad days, hard days.
Because only then do I really use my words to their full extent.

Woa Woes

Don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can come by any time you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun - Wilco

I'll pay for all this. Nothing comes without a price. I think maybe I am paying for all of this. Or maybe it's just one of those things that have to happen. The penance for your sins, but in this case I'm not necessarily paying for sins, but rather my happiness. A good life. Bad days happen to everyone.. right? And sure usually they don't come in as quick succession as they have been, but here in Tucson when it rains, it pours.
So I'll wait for this shit storm to pass. Because I know that my usually thick skin under all this "moisture" softens up and soon anything said to me can hit me like a shock of lightening. Or a hammer to my heart. And I'll take it personally and then to bed, where I'll sleep on it, and think about it. And let it consume me until my skin has all melted away an my insides exposed.
And I hate when this happens, because I can tell anyone EXACTLY how the days to come will play out. Every little thing will frustrate me, until I become so irate no one wants to deal with me.
And I guess that's everyone else's penance for being in my life. But if I look on the bright side, this one time, at least when all this is over I know that these people who surround me are the real ones worth wasting my time on, my precious little time. Because we all know how little of it we have to spend, and god knows when I'll suddenly go for broke and my time finally used up.

But for the time I have left, up until the very bittersweet end I want to know I did everything I could to love my life. A smart guy once told me, you can't wait for love but you have to find it. And anything I've loved in life I had to take a shot on, a huge risk of looking like an idiot, or pathetic, and not caring. Because as with everything, you have to start somewhere. And someone will always judge you.
So the relevance of this tirade?

Maybe the reason it's been raining crap lately is because that's what I've been taking from the world. I've been accepting this shit from the universe and throwing it back in its face with my anger and my bitter attitude. Maybe instead of fighting the De of the universe I should just flow with the currents, because when they get rough the more you fight, the more you'll be likely to thrown off board and dragged downstream regardless of where you want to go.

I need to fight for what I want.
I need to accept things the way they are.
And appreciate what I've got because regardless of what I want or think I'm ready for,
the universe will ultimately decide.
So while I try to live out these contradictions,
I can only hope that one day all this will fall into place
and be well worth the wait.

Waiting..

They say "they never really miss you til you dead or you gone"
So on that note i'm leaving after the song
- Jay Z

I hope I don't take things for granted. I acknowledge all the wonderful things I've been blessed with in the back of my mind, all the time. And feel like I could never ask for more, and yet I always find myself wanting. And telling myself I need more. Do I feel entitled to more? I'd like to think that everyone feels this way. The longing for something else, something that will solve me. Complete me.
Like Shel Silversten's kid's book "The Missing Piece". Where the circle is missing a little piece and so he spends his whole life going on this journey to find the piece to complete him, and when he finds it he starts to miss all the things he had when he didn't have the piece. I guess thats the trick.
To want something, but be aware that even without it nothing is wrong. And without it you love your life anyway, but having it there will just make everything look brighter, taste sweeter, and feel better. The Circle just spent the entire book looking for the piece and taking for granted all the wonderful little things he had just rolling slowly around. He wanted something more, something greater.
And maybe that's just one of those built in things where we always think we need things to make our lives better but in reality it changes nothing. And maybe everyone feels like that.
But I just wish for once, that whatever I thought I needed, I did need.
And what I wanted, I truly wanted.
And I would quit convincing myself that everything would be better "if",
and look at my life and go,
nothing could be better than this.

Today

I don’t want to live, but I sure don’t want to die.
I’m stuttering again and tellin' her goodbye. - The Avett Brothers

I'm overthinking. I have exhausted myself thinking about all these things I don't need to be thinking about and I don't even have the energy to feel good. Atleast not today. My heart aches and my head hurts and my eyes might as well be crying.
I think it's just this day. I've been doing better. I know I've been doing better. But moments like this, moments like this just kill me. I don't want to move, to talk, to feel, and I just need something to happen or else I'll get stuck right here between my musky sheets and my muskier comforter. And I promise I will disappear for weeks until all this shit casing has melted away and I can finally breathe freely again, without the overwhelming weight of all this crap pushing down on top of me.
And it's nothing worth getting upset about, but I keep feeling more anxious. I am a spring getting wound up, and all this tension is going to make me freaking EXPLODE. And there is nothing I can do. Because waiting for this all to just blow up in my face is only gonna make my anxiety worse.
I haven't been here for a while. In fact I can say its been months since its been this bad. Breathing feels like its hard enough, and it is getting harder and harder to tell myself that I'm okay. Usually I am okay. And usually I don't have to remind myself that I'm okay. But today, it's like I am reliving the past 3 years of my life where I just felt not okay.
And I want to sink back into the ground and disappear where no one will know I've gone. My silent limbo that no one understands except me. Only me.
But what makes this different from all the other times when I could just... not, is that I have people in my life who will notice I'm gone.
Or maybe they wont, but they'll react to it.
Perhaps get upset with me, even frustrated.
But the element remains the same,
that when I'm feeling like this,
all I've got is me to hold me up.
And sometimes I just don't have the strength for that.

The Feeling of Feeling.

Oh the world
Still decieves you as it turns
Well in my weakest moments I could see
Oh that the heart may be
The weakest part of me - Noah And The Whale

I get so paranoid. When people start doing things I do, and thinking like me, it freaks me out. I feel like they're trying to steal things from me. Not physically, but in otherways. Little tid-bits of my personality. The way I speak, and look, and the things I do. I am afraid that if someone takes enough of me and makes it their own, I'd have nothing left. I might as well just fade into the background and disappear. Or better yet, just cease to exist at all.
Does that make me conceited? Because I don't believe it's out of conceit that I think this way. It's that I think people are vicious enough they would want to steal everything that makes me an individual from me. Is it wrong that I don't want to just fade into the background?
I am not trying to make myself seem like I am something special to everyone in the world. But I know I am to me. And I know I am to people I know. So why would they still want to know me if there's someone who can look, act, and talk just like me? Think just like me. What the hell would be the point?
And I feel so selfish. I want to keep all these things in a pile and guard them so no one will ever see them and want to take them. That in itself is demolishing who I am. Then that's like I am purposely hiding components to myself just because I'm scared someone else will come along and play me better than me.
Then what would I have left,
when the best role I play in this great story,
is usurped by someone else?

Only In Dreams?

I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.
I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain. - The Avett Brothers

I couldn't sleep last night. Every time I drifted off I dreamed it was the end of the world, and I was the only one that could save it. Well, the only one that wanted to save it. Everyone else was afraid, and upset, but no one would do anything about it. Just me. And I would try to save it, and I couldn't, then I'd wake up. I have been wondering lately if this world is a lost cause. All these people, that wander around numb to events going on around them, they're already lost to their ignorance. I don't want to believe that. But anyone who thinks like me tells me that humanity is a lost cause.
We can't be lost, can we? Everyone can be redeemed right? But what if, what if now we're too far gone? We are such a supposedly intelligent species, but how can we just get so lost in ourselves that eventually we make it impossible to live? And how can we be so indifferent about our fellow human beings just because they don't speak like us or look like us? How can we be so indifferent about, not just our fellow species, but every other species out there that we are killing with our selfish need to fuel and travel expediently? I cannot be the only one with a conscience. I refuse to believe that. What ever happened to the counterculture "freaks" of the 60's and 70's who preached equality and fought peaceably for their ideals? Did they all get lost? Or just absorbed by mainstream society?
Am I the last living human who hurts when she thinks about how children go starving everyday, and animals are robbed of their homes just so we can fulfill our materialistic desire?
I need to live, and get by, like everyone else. I have to exist and use resources yes, but is everyone else ignorant to the fact that one day these resources will be used up and at the rate we're burning them we'll be out of them in no time? Each and everyone of us is slowly committing suicide and soon there will be nothing left.
I hope that I am not naive and too idealistic. I hope that somewhere out there, there are people who realize all these things and want to do something about it.
If not, god save us all.

I like beer.

Never have I ever been
Clutching at your hair to cure you of some sin,
But that's the kind of state I'm in:
Swimming in a pool of godly medicine. - Passion Pit

Can I first say that I am not an alcoholic? Cause I'm not. I really enjoy beer. I don't understand why that's such a strange thing to say to people. We Americans have this weird notion that when we drink we have to get drunk, right? Bullshit. I like drinking beers because they taste good! and the after effects are a plus, but I never drink with the intention I'm going to get drunk.
I'll admit that I have been drunk, really drunk before, but it's part of learning to drink. What I don't understand is when you've been drinking for a couple years and you are STILL trying to get shit faced. Who enjoys vomiting every 10 minutes? Or not remembering the previous night? AND you just look like an idiot.
Yes, I like beer.
Yes, I enjoy getting tipsy.
But if everytime you drink you get so drunk you can't take care of yourself, then why would you continue to put yourself through that?

Love yourself,
it's the only you you'll ever get to be.

Ten Years

Save up all the days
A routine malaise
Just like yesterday
I told you I would stay
Would you always
Maybe sometimes
Make it easy
Take your time - Grizzly Bear

10 years he said. He is 30 years old and he's been with the same women for ten years. Woken up to the same face, for ten years. I'm stuck on that. 10 years. That's an entire decade spent in the presence of another person, but that's not what I find the weirdest part. 10 years ago would make him about 20? I am about 20.

10 years, that is like me meeting someone now and being with them for 10 years. I wonder what thats like. I can't even fathom a couple years... but 10. I wish I could confidently say that I could care about someone that long. The first thing that pops into my head when I think about that amount of time is god, don't you get bored? 10 years worth of fights, and conversations, and kissing, and love, doesn't that get repetitive? I don't think I could do it.
I want to say I can. I want to be able to say that I know one day I will be capable of being with someone that long, but I just can't imagine that. How do people do that? Give me a couple weeks, a month, maybe even a year, and I'm out. I can't do it. But 10 long years, that takes something.
Maybe I'm missing something.
Maybe I am missing something.
But what could I be missing?

I'm a muse a muse a muse ing

The liquor over here's stronger
I cannot stay very much longer
I don't know where I belong
But, sugar, it ain't in your arms -Langhorne Slim

I wish I could be that girl that makes someones heart stop. Man that's so cheesy, but doesn't everyone want that? To just make someone completely speechless the first time they meet you? Okay so maybe I've been watching too many chick flicks, but hey what's wrong with wanting to be one of the most beautiful girls a man sees? I'd like to believe in love at first sight.

I don't mean the kind of movie love, when the guy and the girl know each other for like.. what a week? But they're both in relationships with people that they've been with for years, but for some reason after a week of knowing said person they decide to throw this couple year commitment down the drain. No not that love, but maybe Two For the Road kind of love. The 'I think you're cute but damnit you are such an ass' kind of love that shouldn't work but does. And maybe I've seen to many movies, and I am being unrealistic. Maybe I've been waiting for that burst of lightening that totally just blows my mind, when in reality there is no lightening burst or spark of electricity. Just plain attraction that turns into a sort of addiction.

Now don't mistake me, I don't want passion. I don't want flowers, or fancy dinners, and I am truly sick of having songs written about me. I just want 'I could wake up next to you everyday grow old together never run out of things to talk about' love. I want to get in fights that always end in laughter. I want love I don't question. I want forever love, but I'll never find it.
I know I'm the type of person who'll want something forever, and unless it's exactly what I've always wanted for forever it won't be enough.
It's funny how bad you can want something, and that desire will prevent you from getting it.
That would be me.

Gravity

Yeah I want to pull you down into bed.
I want to cast your face in lead.
Well every time I pull you close,
Push my face into your hair,
Cream rinse and tobacco smoke
That sickly scent is always, always there
- Cake

Get it out of me. These words they’re like a disease. Or maybe I’m like a spring, overflowing and over-compensating for the world around me. These words flowing up out of my mouth like vomit. I am a bulimic of the English language. I think any thought I have I could probably vomit up in an acceptable jumble of witty phrases and intriguing scenarios. Fuck that. I never wanted to be a writer, but I was born with this horrible ability to just spew everything everywhere. And maybe it’s not as bad as a make it seem, I could be blessed with worse. But I hate that I cant control the force with which it comes. I’ll have days, weeks, months, where it will just be a never ending spew of these foul shapes that somehow can be interpreted as a thought or a story.
I want to be free of this curse, but at the same time it’s the most comforting thing I’ve ever had. When other people lay awake at night with tears welling up in their eyes because they’re too emotionally retarded to express how they feel, I can express myself without a thought. A few clicks of my fingers or vibrations of my voice box and I can tell anyone or anything, anywhere what I think of them at that exact moment.
Okay that’s an exaggeration, I have had moments where the words just seemed to be lost on me, and their meaning as empty as an orange rind with all the juice squeezed out. And when that happens I am scared. Truly those moments when I am at a loss for words are when something serious has, or will occur. Its like somehow my brain can read the universe better then my own thoughts and will cause me to temporarily shut down so I don’t overload trying to frantically record exactly what was going through my mind.
But when I need it most, when I feel the tears gathering at the brim of my eyes, I know that this is what I come to to comfort myself. These words are like a blanket for my weary soul when the traveling gets hard, in this existence. When the feet of my spirit get riddled with blisters and I just feel like laying down and quitting, these words are what I have left to keep my sanity intact, and despite how much I might despise this sometimes, that is a true gift. I know as long as I have these words I’ll have something reliable to hold me up when all my other pillars have crumbled beneath the weight of human emotions and unreasonable expectation. That is comforting, but I refuse to bask in that comfort. Instead I’ll squeeze all the creative juice from my soul, and like a drought I’ll be free of these words for a while. But no droughts last forever, and as it should be I will blossom again full of juice and sweet as ever, ready to drain myself again.

Cake

I'm a dime
I'm fine
And I shine- Cake

In an aeroplane over the sea

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change - Coldplay

I get too attached. I am being self-destructive, I feel it. A nuclear bomb has been dropped and its going to burst, I know it.
You make me angry. The un-specific you. You make my skin fucking crawl sometimes, and then you do the sweetest things. You are so freaking bi-polar I can't see you clearly anymore. The way you act and the things you do seem to be polar opposites, and all of a sudden all my reason is lost.
I want to tell you how to live your life, you need some fucking direction but it's not my place. I have nothing invested, and sometimes I really wish I did because really you're truly something, but I can't, and I won't. I refuse to allow myself to be wooed by someone who can't piece his life together when it's falling apart. How can you just let it all fall apart? For the sake of that poor girl jesus you have to pull yourself together, but you won't. I know you well enough to know you're a good boy, man, whatever, but you can be such an idiot. This person should be able to rely on you, and one day you're going to wish that she could, but she won't because you were never there.
And god I want to tell you that. All of that, but I can't, because if I did you wouldn't listen. If I did you'd just think I was acting crazy or being a fool but I just care, I really truly care, but it's not my place to care. And it brings tears to my eyes at the thought that this little girl will never truly know you. She won't know all the sweet things that I know you are capable of. You will just be the man who never tried and that makes you a very sorry son of a bitch, because one of these days I just know it, an atom bomb will drop in your heart when you realize she wants nothing to do with you.
You could fix it, if you wanted to you could prevent all of this, but you wont. And in some ways I wish you'd somehow read this. I wish that you would read this and be hurt and get upset and tell me how wrong I am. I want you to prove me wrong and tell me that you do care, and I don't know what I'm talking about. Then maybe you'd go to that crazy woman and tell her you want to be involved. That you want to be there for that little girl.
But I know you, you like to think you're helpless. You like to play the fool, but damnit you're not. I want to tell you to grow a pair and just grow up. Grow the fuck up and be a father, but I won't. It's not my place.
But goddamnit I wish it was.

Getting even is not the best revenge, it's the only revenge.

Help me or
make me feel fine
I feel I've wasted my time.
- Brian Jonestown Massacre

Okay so maybe it's not getting even, or even revenge, but there is something truly satisfying in the idea that someone who thought they could do better isn't.
And maybe I spent too much time talking about how much I didn't care, and maybe that meant I did. But as soon as I stop thinking about it, I couldn't care less. And I hate that you kept this from me, cause you thought I'd care. And I hate that when I saw her for the first time I felt good, I felt damn good at the thought that you've down-graded, and my luck's only improved.
And at the same time it stung, because I saw that somewhere as much as I didn't think I did, I cared. In the deepest pits of my heart I could feel the ache, but it only lasted for a second. Which is a great improvement over before. If you're wondering why I'm writing this if I'm so over you this is why, because I want this to be the last thing I say on the subject.
I did care, a lot. And for quite some time, a really long time. But here's the thing, it was only when my loneliness was at its peak that you crossed my mind, that I really thought I cared. Only then. I did care, but now I see, I just used the idea of you to supplement my loneliness. That's why this lasted as long as it did, and I'm sorry. I'm over it, and it's done. This is my closure.

Verse Vs Inverse

Pity, take pity on me
Because I’m not have the man that I should be
- Death Cab For Cutie

I am trying my best to wipe all of these thoughts from my brain. If there's anything I've learned lately its that trying to predict the future will NEVER work out. But I can't stop thinking about it, and the more I try to stop thinking about it the more I think about it until it becomes this obsessive cycle of trying not to worry about something that I have the total right to be worried about. And I just wish that at some point a sure thing would happen. I am sick of this whole adapting to whatever life throws at me thing.
Comfort is the problem. I have finally found a place to be comfortable in and something of course would have to try and force me out of that, and I just don't understand why. Am I not allowed contentment for longer than the span of several months? I suppose that's true, I'd begin taking things for granted.
And still, there's that nagging feeling gnawing at my brain. And my thoughts will full circle back to all those things I am trying my hardest to not think about. And sometimes, if I just give in, my cheeks will flush and my body will warm, at just a thought. Just one thought. And almost instantaneously my brain will shoot them down and my stomach will begin to ache and I'll go on with whatever I was trying to do as if that wave of emotion never occurred.
And I can't say it's healthy.
And I can't say I like it.
But it's better then the alternative.

Antics

Saw a girl on the street from my home
Like a fire on the hillside she shown
And I knew right then that my best days were gone
And I’d been, been in the lowlands too long - Gillian Welch

I don't know why but lately I just haven't been able to find the proper words to truly demonstrate how I'm feeling. I've come to accept that regardless of what I say someone will assume I mean something else.

I received some advice from a friend the other day, just be yourself.
What if I don't like who that is? I am ashamed of certain parts of me that have become apparent lately, and I can't seem to rid myself of these things that seem to motivate me. Maybe I am not being myself, and that's what is so upsetting. I don't know why I can't just let go, and allow myself to maybe look stupid or make mistakes because after all I am human. But I just can't, I am paralyzed by the thought that maybe, for some reason somebody wont like me for the way I am, and thats totally unwarranted because anyone that I've truly trusted enough to catch a glimpse of me, has never been disappointed.
So If I know that, and when it comes to people I don't care about I am completely confident, then why can't I act the same way when it comes to people I might want to care about? And then I'll spend all this time thinking about how much this bothers me and less time actually trying to fix the problem.
I am a fool.
Just a sorry fool.

2010

Hello cowgirl in the sand
Is this place at your command
Can I stay here for a while
Can I see your sweet sweet smile - Neil Young

Smell: Earl Grey Tea
Taste: Dried Cranberries
Sound: Folk
Watching: My life fly by me
Reading: Breakfast Of Champions - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
I am: Happy
I want: Everyday of 2010 to feel this good.