In the end

Where has all my sense gone?
I think it's been drowned in pity.
Fuck pity. That emotion makes me sick. Like it physically makes me nautious to think about the whole concept of pity. The idea that someone would care, but selfishly. They hate the feeling of guilt so much that in order to not bear that guilt anymore, they pretend to be concerned. Or care. Or worried. A completely selfish desire disquised as some warped compassion.
And being handed all this pity my mind will just suffocate. Choke on it, until it has no other choice then to start vomiting up back all this disgusting emotion shoved down its throat.
And that, that is where all my sense has gone. I can't decide if I want it back, I want to want it back. I want to not feel... like this. Whatever this is. I want to not feel it, or at the very least be able to identify it.
And all my words seem so empty. There are so many of them, can they even convey this emotion that I'm feeling.
It's not sadness, or depression, or stress, or anxiety. It's some weird new feeling that I have no idea if I've ever felt before. It's almost like not feeling.
Like having someone touch your arm but not feeling it, and the times you do its like being electrocuted.
It burns.
It hurts.
I hurt, and I don't.
I feel, and I don't.
I'm stuck in purgatory,
And I'm not.

[untitled]

I feel like I've had all the sense I was missing knocked into me. Literally knocked into me with blunt force. I can't do that thing I would do... or maybe the word is wont. Where I will just allow myself to get so entranced in an idea or thought that I let it consume me. I still want the same things, but its almost as if all the words I've been saying regarding such things I'm actually starting to feel. And react to.
I talk about forever, and I had this idea that forever is saved for someone that things just work with.
But upon further thought and examination, I was and am totally completely wrong. I don't even have the courage to try to make anything work. I'm like a fucking scared puppy. God forbid I actually compromised with someone or acted sane for like one second.
And it's so easy to act on emotions initially. It's so easy to ask someone out or make the first move and kiss someone. But if there was something that really required me to stick my neck out and take a chance on someone, fat freaking chance.
Now I'll attribute that to the fact I'm young and I have forever to find someone worth trying for. But I have this sinking feeling in my gut that forever just isn't enough time. I am so dysfunctional or at least I pretend to be, and I'll say everything is the problem except me.
Really god forbid I will ever take a risk on anything. The pathetic part is I know, and I preach, and I tell myself that this is my one life to live, so this is the only opportunity I will get to ever risk anything. But despite that realization, and telling myself that. I cannot. I refuse. My entire body fights back as if I am suggesting something absolutely absurd.

And then I'll have these dreams. Dreams that are so completely ridiculous but the person I'm playing is still so freaking logical. I can't break this curse.

To truly connect with someone, or get anywhere in life, all logic must be thrown out the window. And me, no matter how much I say to me or anyone else on the matter, I cannot break these confines.
Only a fool is practices logic.

What

As far as I'm concerned, the best songs are about love. Because there are no words, or supposedly, there aren't any words for "love". I think I've changed. I feel so cynical. I'm supposed to watch for depression, I don't feel depressed. I don't think I feel anything. That's a lie, I feel things, just not the way I did.
Maybe it takes a while to get back to where you were. But I wouldn't even begin to know how to find my way back, or if I'd even want to go.
And I'm not scared, that scares me. I've spent so much time thinking about things and worrying about things and wanting things and now I can't even articulate. I can barely decipher small things like whether I want to get out of bed, or turn on the tv. It's like I'm not living my life, but someone elses. Like at some point I was thrown into this existence from my real reality.
And maybe that's why I feel so distant and off. None of this is real, well maybe it is real but it doesn't feel real. I feel like I'm whining, or succumbing to some stereotypical outline of what a teenager is supposed to feel like. Disconnected, distraught, and dissatisfied.
But it's not even that. I am unaware of what I am, I don't even know what word could be used to describe it.
I feel lost.
I feel like I'm wandering around in my own brain, only it's not really my own brain anymore, it's someone elses.
Its even weird to look in the mirror, because that person looking back at me, that can't possibly be me. She looks pudgy cheeked and cheerful, alive. Healthy. And when you talk to her she seems exactly that.
But then inside me head I'm getting all jumbled up cause what I think, say, do, feel, are all completely and ridiculously different.
And all these event's happening around me feel unreal.
I feel like I'm in a dreamlike state of indifference.

my arcile

Lets talk about god and the devil.
We like to take thee characters and turn them into something fathomable. Something believable, because as humans we couldn't even begin to comprehend god or anything related to such a divine power. I don't believe in god, in the normal sense. I don't believe that there was a being, a life-form that set out to create humanity.
I feel like most people misunderstand what god really is, and it goes back to that perception thing. One person perceived god and the idea of god one way, and suddenly it's become so skewed and unrecognizable we no longer have the opportunity to really react to this information that has been set before us. Either accept, or deny. Be either admitted to "heaven" or damned to "hell".
My perception, and the way that I think maybe it was intended to be perceived as, is that God is an idea. God is the embodiment of all that is good in humanity. God is kindness and selflessness and compassion. Satan, the devil, Lucifer, what have you, that is the bad parts of humanity. That is greed, and jealousy, and pride, our basic instincts. To want for ourselves and only ourselves and think of no one else. God and Satan are just loaded words that just mean good and bad. Right and wrong. Yin and Yang.
It is so easy to just get angry every time something doesn't go the way you desire. It's easy to never admit that I was wrong, or to take from someone who doesn't know any better. And because of our conscience, and the way the universe works, you end up in hell. This life constantly Eb's and flows between this heaven and hell, the two worlds often intersecting where most of us fall. Between indifference and ignorance.
Succumbing to our bad natures will only make our lives harder. It will only push us to our worst making this "hell" a physical reality, and we're all headed there.
Now fighting that, and trying to be a better person I firmly believe means that we can reach a bliss, and perfect state of yin and yang.
People spend their entire lives building up for the moment where they will reach this ultimate end, and they will be sentenced to eternity in...wherever. But eternity is here, this reality that we all exist in, this is eternity. And as the universe intended, we can make it as we wish either a hellish horrible place to exist, or something more than that. Something that is worth more than just existing in.

[untitled]

Perception is funny. I see me this warped way, and everyone else that looks at me will put me through their shallow lense and see something else. I can't help but wonder if the person I am at the end of the scope is still me. Or if at some point along the way I was twisted and contorted into something else unrecognizeable.
And how would they even know?
How would I even know?
But if I think about it to long, it doesn't matter, because in essence we're all exactly the same. We all want things and get scared and upset. Almost nothing seperates every one of us because deep down we all have no idea what the hell we're doing or where we're going and why.
But we don't see it like that. We all focus on these minute differences, these little things that we make CATASTROPHIC when in the view of the rest of the universe or even the world, we are all exactly the same. One human is another is another is another.....

[untitled]

Where have all my words gone? All my passion is lost. I am fine. I'll say it again, I'll say it a thousand more times. I am fine, but that term is so relative. Physically nothing is missing, or wrong. But every ounce of desire and want is laying somewhere lost to me. It's no longer controlling my mind or driving my actions. I am no longer driven. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm not upset, I am not happy, I am not anything. I am just here.

[untitled]

Take a breath.
Just one,
and step back.
Eyes closed,
heart open,
eyes open,
world closed.
I'm not grown up enough for this. I am trying, really.

I wish I had the strength. I am lazy... or scared. I don't know.
I wish I had the words that I know I'm keeping somewhere.
And I wish that the words I used instead didn't sound so misplaced and awkward.

And I am so honest. I can't stop myself. I am over-involved. I allow myself to be consumed by other people's lives and problems, because if I am focusing on what's wrong with someone else's life, I don't have enough time to think about how screwed up I am.

And no matter how hard I try, I cannot scrub this from my soul. I feel guilty. So guilty. It stains me, and everyone can see it. And I feel like I have taken so much and I don't deserve anymore, but I want more. I crave more. The greed consumes me, like a fire in a dry forest. I can't get in, I can't get out. I'm stuck. Perpetually stuck.

Le coeur a ses raison que la raison ne connait pas.

And I'm just too tired to fight
So my darling, I'll succumb - Sea Wolf

My heart is an amazing thing. The central piece to this odd combination of organs, fluids, muscle, and flesh. It keeps me alive, in the common sense of the word.

But beyond that, its duties run much deeper. It draws the line between just plain existence, and really being alive. There is this amazing thing that happens when I think about certain things or people. I become warm, and my heart beats hard enough for me to notice. And I feel. I feel what it's like to be alive, and human, and conscious. And it's beautiful. But more than that, it serves as a reminder. When I start to question myself, and my thoughts, the way my heart beats tells me how I feel about my thinking.
When it aches and I find it hard to breathe, I know that something's wrong.
When it beats fiercely causing my blood to boil and my skin to pink, it's something that in the back of my mind that I've been denying and suddenly emotion hits my body like a hurricane, and I will be smiling in all this warmth, or embarrassed at my display of emotion.
And when it beats calmly, while I confront something that used to make my skin pink and blood boil, it's a symbol of my growth. How far I've come, and how much I've changed.
My heart and its reactions and spasms, is what separates me from everyone else out there.
They are the things that indicate who I really am, and what I really want.
And beyond keeping me alive in the scientific sense, it shapes a purpose for my motives. It gives me meaning and some fight in this long and sometimes dreary existence.

Rafiki

So anytime somebody needs you,
Don't let them down although it grieves you,
Someday you'll need someone like they do - Led Zeppelin

My friends can read me like a book. And it's amazing how I can think about something, but until someone says it to me aloud, it's almost like I've never really thought about it at all. But when I start to vent and whine about all these things that I feel like I can't change they will tell me exactly what I was afraid of. They will say I can change it but I...

"over-complicate things"
"think too much"
"are lazy, either you don't really want what you say you do, or you're scared"
"Maybe the reason you care more about my relationship is because if you actually built your own you'd have to take some sort of risk"

And it's true. Every single freaking word. And I know this, I've known all these things before anyone brought it up, but I never accepted it. I assumed that it was just me being overly judgemental, but maybe I've been to lax with myself. I've let myself perpetually sit in a stew of my own problems, that I can fix. That I can do something about, but I wont. I sit on top of them, and complain about them. But will do nothing to fix them.

I have never taken a huge risk on anyone. I always gave into the idea of a sure thing. I have never, once, as long as I can remember, put myself out on a limb for someone. And maybe that's why relationships, they don't work. Or maybe it's because I spend all my time thinking about what to say and how to say it, when really the words probabily aren't all that hard to conjure up.
Maybe I am lazy.
Maybe I am scared.
And maybe I've forgotten how to talk to people I don't know.

Or maybe it's a combination of all 3.
And then when I finally do want to talk to someone, what do I have? Just this abrasive fucking attitude. I am so good at being an asshole, I never revert out of it fast enough to show anyone that I really am a good person.

And all my friends know this.
And all my friends say this.
And sometimes that makes me wonder,
how did I even get friends in the first place?

God put a song on my palm that you can't read.

i sleep on my back cause it's good for the spine
and coffin rehersal
i know a psychic who reads her own palms
and the findings are personal
she keeps her fists shut tight and she sleeps on her side,
well maybe she knows something i don't know - Why?

Am I a liar? I do keep things from people, I think that's just human nature. You can't trust everyone with everything, but what if I purposely keep certain things from certain people. Am I a liar then? Or do I just have secrets that I value too much to share with said person?
I guess in order to be a liar I would have to warp the truth somehow. But here I just neglect to mention truths.
No they don't concern anybody.
And no, they're nobodies business. And no, it's nothing life altering or dangerous. They're just secrets, little secrets that keep my insides separate from the outside world.
And as long as I can remember, I have always been honest, and forward. I have always spilled my heart out to anyone because if they see all my wounds there is no way they can expose me, or embarrass me, or take advantage. But lately, this last year or so these little things have been piling up. Because they're nobodies business... right?
Because they don't concern anybody other than me.
Because I don't want someone to look at me and feel bad. Or try to pretend that they understand, because I am sick of hearing "I get that" or "I know exactly!" and then it's like I haven't taken a big risk and shared something personal, it's suddenly about them. And what they have to say.

And maybe I don't want to take that chance because what if they did actually care, and recognize I just took a risk on them. Where would that put me? I don't think I could even handle that kind of attention.
And suddenly I would be vulnerable again. I would have confided one of my little secrets that I hold deep in the back of my mind, in someone else who has a mouth, and a tounge, and a vocabulary. Someone who is perfectly capable of doing what I had tried to avoid for so long by being so open about everything. I would be exposed.

So does that make me a liar? The fact that theres something to expose?
Am I a faker?
Or a denier?
Or am I just like everybody else, acting like I'm something I'm not?
And if that is the case, I don't think I could even separate who I am, from who I pretend to be.

Good Days

I find that when something good happens I have less to say. Or at least I'm at a loss of anything intelligent or remotely interesting to say. It's almost as if everything falls into place and there is nothing left to say. No words to describe or explain. And maybe that's why I only write on bad days, hard days.
Because only then do I really use my words to their full extent.

Woa Woes

Don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can come by any time you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun - Wilco

I'll pay for all this. Nothing comes without a price. I think maybe I am paying for all of this. Or maybe it's just one of those things that have to happen. The penance for your sins, but in this case I'm not necessarily paying for sins, but rather my happiness. A good life. Bad days happen to everyone.. right? And sure usually they don't come in as quick succession as they have been, but here in Tucson when it rains, it pours.
So I'll wait for this shit storm to pass. Because I know that my usually thick skin under all this "moisture" softens up and soon anything said to me can hit me like a shock of lightening. Or a hammer to my heart. And I'll take it personally and then to bed, where I'll sleep on it, and think about it. And let it consume me until my skin has all melted away an my insides exposed.
And I hate when this happens, because I can tell anyone EXACTLY how the days to come will play out. Every little thing will frustrate me, until I become so irate no one wants to deal with me.
And I guess that's everyone else's penance for being in my life. But if I look on the bright side, this one time, at least when all this is over I know that these people who surround me are the real ones worth wasting my time on, my precious little time. Because we all know how little of it we have to spend, and god knows when I'll suddenly go for broke and my time finally used up.

But for the time I have left, up until the very bittersweet end I want to know I did everything I could to love my life. A smart guy once told me, you can't wait for love but you have to find it. And anything I've loved in life I had to take a shot on, a huge risk of looking like an idiot, or pathetic, and not caring. Because as with everything, you have to start somewhere. And someone will always judge you.
So the relevance of this tirade?

Maybe the reason it's been raining crap lately is because that's what I've been taking from the world. I've been accepting this shit from the universe and throwing it back in its face with my anger and my bitter attitude. Maybe instead of fighting the De of the universe I should just flow with the currents, because when they get rough the more you fight, the more you'll be likely to thrown off board and dragged downstream regardless of where you want to go.

I need to fight for what I want.
I need to accept things the way they are.
And appreciate what I've got because regardless of what I want or think I'm ready for,
the universe will ultimately decide.
So while I try to live out these contradictions,
I can only hope that one day all this will fall into place
and be well worth the wait.