Etc.

I think I've lost my ability to absorb. To take in new information. I'm so set in my ways I've suddenly gone from being such an open accepting person to this shut down closed off stone. I no longer need compassion to see past the words that someones using to see into the meaning of what they're saying. Or to see their intentions, good or bad, pure or corrupt. Whatever.
I've lost it. And I'll look at the people around me, and no matter how I try to look with different eyes, these are still my eyes. My only means of viewing the world through a lens. And because I am so set in my ways, I never need any understanding to try and see why someones acting the way they are. I just need my knowledge and experience... right? Or at least that's what everyone thinks.
I refuse to accept and believe that there is a certain point when we lose the ability to understand one another, and think not only of ourselves, but of the world around us.
I refuse to believe that we are all lost to our own minds.
I refuse.

I talk like I know already, and maybe I do. But I can't tell just yet. It needs time, time, time, everything needs fucking time. Why do I have to put it off? and wait? Is there a perfect moment to take the chance I want to take? And If there is, how would I know? Because I never knew before, and I certainly don't now. But I've felt this before, meeting someone like me. It's exciting, a mirror image of myself doing the same things I do.
Its frightening. I can barely be around me, and having another one of me... it's too much. It wont work, work, work.

[untitled]

I do not know. I am to focused on that. The idea that I don't know something, something that has to do with me. I still think about it. I can't help myself, I still want something specific, but I don't have the courage to say what.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'll screw it up. I can already tell, but I don't want to. I want to not screw this up, because I'm so damn good at screwing everything else up.
But I know it wont make me happy. I can already tell. It'll make me happy for now, and no matter what I do I'll keep thinking of that other thing. It's temporary happiness, and I don't want it to be like that.
I might not know what the hell I want, fine, but I sure as hell know what I DONT want. And that is not it.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm doing it again. That thing I love to do. Just question everything, or assume things and I probabily wouldn't be in this mess if I didn't do that all the time. I just can't keep my
damn
mouth
dfkldjgkl

[untitled]

I can't stop asking these questions of myself and everything around me. I can't stop questioning every move I make and what signifigance it has. Or why I keep on moving. Or why I exist at all.
And maybe I should get out of my own head sometimes. I try. But the doors are always locked and it's like I'm trapped. I am not sad. I am not depressed. I am not anything. Confused maybe if I had to put a word to it.
I can't put words on any of it. I. I. One little vowell represents to much. Me. It. Her. I.
I've lost track of myself. And I can't find her. And it makes me want to cry. I feel lost, and alone. Like when you're in the supermarket with you're parents and you lose them and there's that sinking feeling that you'll never be found again and you start to freak out. That's where I'm at.
This life is what I make it. This life is what I make it. This life, is what I make it. This, Life, is what I make it. This life is, what? I make it. This life is what... I... make it?
These words have to be true. They've got to be true. They must be true. And they can't be. I feel this pressure to become. Not anything specific but to just... grow into myself. Be successful. Contribute to society. participate Participate PARTICIPATE
It's like gravity is pushing me down and smashing my spine. And my brain is going to start oozing out of my ears.
I know. I think too much. I know I know I know. But I can't stop this all. I can't stop time, it's getting away from me and I'm just sitting here. I am just sitting here.
I'm missing something.
I've
got
to be.

[untitled]

Shut your mouth, use your brain.
And why do you have to always be so damn abrasive?
I love making friends, I do, but I can't just be someone who's not me. And maybe by acting however I was acting I'm acting so characteristically not me.
But then who is me really?
and who gets to say?

[untitled]

Are there coincidences? Just little glimpses of a chance to do something, or to change, and we have that moment to decide what we want to do: play it safe or let go. Or are these instances something greater? Part of some master plan to the universe?

If I think the latter, I'm being conceited. Conceited in thinking that in a place as large as the world, and the universe, the cosmos would be concerned enough to have a hand in what I do.
If I think the former, then inevitibly we are alone.

[untitled]

We are in this battle, between ourselves and the universe. We want to believe that every deicision we make, good and bad, will somehow play some big role in the universe's end game, but what if it doesn't. What if we just all float around together on this giant rock for absolutely no reason, just to be eventually blown up by our star in like a gagillion billion years from now? Maybe I am conceited, and selfish. I feel like I have to exist for a reason beyond just existing and coexisting.

Its like we're all in a play, but to each one of us we're the main character. Like I am the lead in my own play. I am the brains behind it and the director, and my play happens to intersect with others plays but its plot is in no way defined by anyone elses. And outside of all these little plays there is a bigger play which inherently means that in a little minute way we are a part of this large play, but in no way are we any sort of major role.

Or maybe the universe only exists to be observed, right? And so that's our purpose, to observe the great everything. And without someone to observe the universe, what is it's purpose of existing? Maybe that's selfish, and maybe it's stupid and naive to believe that somehow all the bad things and bad people somehow have to exist and happen in order to play out in the larger scheme of things. But I can't just sit here and think that I have no purpose. That I was just flung into existence to exist and end.

Eggs-O-Ten-sShell is.. Um?

So there is this idea that we're all existing at the same level as everything else in the universe. That despite what we perceive and define as reality, everything in essence is composed of the same things. I am me, and you are we, and we are all together. Kafka said it best when he implied that our compositions are so radically similar to everything else around us, that we can turn into giant freaking roaches.
But I just have to wonder how can we be so similar to everything else and yet so apparently different. And maybe that's where the absurdist ideas come in that say that we will never be able to fathom any kind of answer to the meaning of everything. Not as to say one doesn't exist, but that our human capacity just has no power to comprehend it.
And maybe that is true. We all pride ourselves as being the most intelligent species on earth, but maybe our level of consciousness is so small compared to whatever else is out there. We can't fathom this inevitable idea of infinity, that no matter what we say everything will always come back to.
We try. We do our best to explain through math and theorems thought up by some of the most intelligent of our species, but do we ever stop to think that defining the infinite is probabily the stupidest thing we could ever do. Infinity exists solely to not be defined, that is the point of infinity. To exist forever and never reaching any end. But yet we try to find some sort of explanation to what exactly infinity looks like and feels like, and I get the feeling that infinity exists as everything and feels like everything and confining it is such a narrow minded way of looking at things in this great expanse of existence.
Maybe we as a species are narrow minded. I wouldn't be shocked. We kill one another thinking only of ourselves and don't even stop to consider the consequences of abusing and wasting all our resources. We think we're invincible, because we've created this machine like world to live in, but I guarantee anyone who asks that anything that has to do with modern civilization will inherently destroy us all. And anyone who can't see that and would rather live in ignorance is just a prime example of why humanity can never come up with any concrete answers about anything.
Because we don't think enough about the questions to get the right answer. We ask what we will and interpret the answer to suit our needs.

come on baby

The power of positive thinking: often underestimated, but the strongest thing we have. Pesimism is the new epidemic, it's so fucking contagious. I can see all the bad things I see, and just like everyone else, I've lost my hope, my ability to see beyond now and to a better future. My eye's are set to, this world is already so fucked up why bother?

Then I meet like-minded peopele, who see this world and all it's problems and see nothing but hope. Nothing but this idea that as long as we're alive, we can fight to be the best people we are and do the best we can and just caring and being vocal about it is enough to ignite some change. In the mood of a people, in the scope of the world.

So maybe the reason I never do anything to positively affect the world around me, is because I don't think I can. Or feel like I never do. You can't inspire hope in a people if you've got none yourself.

So then I have to ask myself; where does hope come from? This idea that tomorrow can always be brighter than today and today can always be better than yesterday. I have this theory, and maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like we're all born with that fire. This bright eyed cheery notion that anything can change in a second, and I can change the world. But as a society we get so afraid of one another we have to do everything we can to snuff this little light out, until we're all just empty impassive unhappy unsatisfied shell.

We can all "light our" own "fires" in a sense. But doing that is much harder than putting out the flame. That takes time and concentration and some serious critical thinking. Because suddenly you have to change a persons entire way of thinking, the way of thinking we've all become accustomed to.

So I'm going to do something about this. I hate that my thinking has become so stagnant and dark. I want to see the light in everything and everyone. I am on a mission to re-wire my brain so I can do my part instilling some much needed hope in this world.

I've got a..

Dear You,
I am sorry. I think I got a little ahead of myself. Maybe I expected to much, and my expectations have been exceedingly ridiculous lately. I think I made you into something I know you're not. And I think it made me feel better pretending that you were. I don't expect you to know that this is for you, or to understand why I feel the need to apologize, just know on some level that I mean it and accept it.

I do this a lot. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but it feels like a lot. And it's got nothing to do with you, you did nothing wrong or different or anything, I just do this thing. I don't know how else to describe it, and I wouldn't want to be able to. Putting a name on something confines it to that thing, and that is something I refuse to do with my actions.

One thing I want you to understand is that despite everything I think or say or do, in some weird way I did mean it. And I did wish that I wasn't just getting ahead of myself, and a little gnawing in my gut says I still do. So here is my proposition, lets start over. I think we got off on the wrong foot, and that is totally my fault. I didn't allow you to be who you are, but tried to make you who I wanted you to be. And I, didn't allow myself be who I am because I got so distracted and concerned with who and what ever you are.

So even though you'll never know I said any of this, I hope in some way you'll feel the change and you'll know. Because I think knowing you could be great, and I think for you knowing me could be great. So lets just know each other and leave it at that.
And if knowing ever seems like not enough, we'll go from there, but until then I'd just like to worry about step 1.

Hi, I am Ashley. You are?