[untitled]

I cannot write what my brain doesn't want. I cannot speak words my ears dont care to hear. And its in these moments I find it hard to breathe again. I never know when it's going to hit, or how hard, but it always does. And I feel strangled, and threatened. My words sound weak and wounded, and it's almost as if they've been waring away sitting in my bowls, as the stomach acid rolls and devoirs them whole.
And I feel lost, so so so so lost. I can't find my feet or my toes or my nose or my eyes. Its almost like a part of me went missing, and I don't know where it can be found.
And I keep being told that I'm young.
And I keep being told that I can stay stay alive.
But I don't feel alive. I don't feel like I'm living.
I just feel broken, with my tires sliding against the mud, and my feet slipping out from under me.
And I know that I'm falling, I can feel the wind shoving my hair down my throat. But I'll pass out before I die, never knowing what I missed, or what I wished I'd heard.
Because all those words that were stuck in my bowels, are now splattered on the pavement as a view, and image, for someone to glimpse upon, admire, and discard. Like the lowly serpent I am. Sliding deeper and deeper into this free fall plunge to whatever ends.
But like the sun warms my feet, there you'll go again. The unspecific you. The you you never knew you were, and I've never known. And you'll make my heart burn wild with love. With affection. With guilt. Because I never gave you the means or the words to feel the same burn. And I did it on purpose so I wouldn't have to see, or to learn or to hear that I was what was the worth of fighting this whole time. Of being and existing.
Those words that I kept in my bowels, that I never cared to hear. Broken and dispondent but still ringing ringing ringing ringing ringing in my ears.
They cannot hear, or see, or feel. They just know that you're there, wishing you were here, and keeping you as far away with those pleas of affection as I can muster. Because all those feelings, are lost within me, and to me. Never to be found. Never to be found.