Sure

There is such a thing as a sure thing. A thing your head or your heart can feel, and predict, and even guarantee.
Like the promise of hearing a song you've already heard a million times, and you know you'll only live to hear it one million more.
But the thing about a sure things, when another party is involved, with thoughts and feelings and wants, that thing that started out being so sure, suddenly becomes a maybe, perhaps, and ending with an I don't know.
I'd know a sure thing if I had one. Atleast my head knows that, it can tell what and whom I'm capable of having and harming.
But my heart, in an attempt to salvage itself and whatever pitiful peices remain, tells my head that every single one of those sure thoughts that I hold to be true, could not be. Ringing in doubts and questions making something that I was almost positive was true, into something thats only the sad shadow of what the truth could have been.
And I embarass myself, questioning these sure things. Because as soon as I'm no longer sure about the sureidness with which i had had, it seems that everyone can feel it, and breathe off of it. And find a way to independently function off of all the energy of my doubts.
And I'll catch myself in a free-spin fall back to earth, where gravity has surely done its duty to throw me into the grown with serious force.
And I wake up from the force of a sure thing, wondering what part of me I left up in the air and what part I took back with me, and was a sure thing really worth the risk at all?

[untitled]

My eyes are heavy and I can feel them falling. F-f-f-falling.
Closed while they're open. Wide and shut.
I can't see. I am blind.
And I was trying to sleep. I was trying so hard, but then I thought about those things I try to think about less. I let my heart beat in heated guilt while I thought of those things I'd thought I'd left behind. And for an instant, I forgot why.
Then he came flooding in, his light brightening my life.
My skin is not warm, and my cheeks are not hot. My heart is not pounding and my blood has not boiled.
I feel the calm of a storm.
I feel the calm easing the sorrows of my past, and promises of tomorrow.
I don't feel the need to worry.
I don't feel the need to feel.
Because this calm is better than anything I've ever felt.

passive - passive

I don't do too much talking these days. These days, these days I seem to think a lot about the things that I forgot to do. - Nico

I'm sick of being so cheesy and hopeless, for I'm not hopeless or cheesy. I like to melt and to collide with other intelligent beings. I'd like to shine and falter in anothers presence and feel nervous when they look my direction. I'd like to feel warm in my heart at the thought of me warming theirs, but I'm always afraid these feelings will fade. And because I'm afraid I'll wander away until I'm trapt in a forest surrounded by thoughts that I don't even recognize as my own, and I'm lost. But there he goes shining at the pit of my heart, leading my feet back to his smile. And I'm not sure if it's forever, and I'm not sure that I'd want it to be, but I know it's for now. And I know that for right now, I want it to be whatever it is. Because when he's shining on me, there's no where else my heart wants to be.

I wish I was a fish.

I wish I was a bigger fish worth catching.
I wish I was a bigger fish to take up more space in the sea.
And I wish I didn't care so much about the kind of fish I was,
because the fish I am I'm destined to be.

Butt...

And if I could swim
I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating
in the dark.
And if was blessed
I walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving
Sunken chest. - Say Anything

Can I just...

He's like the sun on my face, that kisses my skin and turns it brown.
The heat and humidity that turns me to rot and buries me back in the earth again, so that I can grow some kind of life.
The thumpthathadumpthathadump of my heart that reminds me I'm alive.
The red in my cheeks when I'm shy,
The sterness in my voice when I've got something to say and mean it.
The queeziness in my tummy when I know that theres something I've got to do.
The crunch of a fresh baguette.
The ease of a good song,
and the sweetness of every right word.

And I just...
brown like he's shining on me, and rot like he's heating me, and thump like he's my beating heart, and red cause he makes me shy, and want to mean what I say so much I... get queezy, and with every touch and sound and taste, I feel it.

In my skin and my muscles and my blood and my bones.
I feel his warmth seeping into me, and if I get to close I'll melt. So like the earth to the sun I'll admire his warmth far far away from an expanse of millions of miles, where he'll never feel or know that I'm shining back on him.

Big Fish, Little Fish.

We could talk if days weren't so fast - Ben Kweller

Do you think some people were made to take up space? To make everyone else feel less lonely, and maybe these people aren't necessarily meant to do anything but that one thing, prevent everyone else from being lonely. Lets call these people substitute people. The people that fall in love with other people easily, and fall out of it just as easily. Its never anything substantial, the word love itself means next to nothing.

I think I'm one of these people, not specifically in a bad way... I just think maybe that's what I am. I feel like I'm a stepping stone for everyone else's happiness, and you know it sounds like it should be a lonely life but I can't say I mind. Sure I like everyone else want to fall in love, but I've grown so accustomed to the idea that it just might not. I'm completely adjusted to the idea that I might have to daydream about it for the rest of my life, and be content just being a stepping stone. I'm happy that through being with me people can find someone else to make them happier and better suited for them.

But substitute people, my kind of people, we aren't meant to be loved forever. We're meant to be loved for a second. We're meant to be idealized and appreciated for a moment, then tossed back to sea. It's kind of like the little fish that you catch with your hook, but it's too small so you throw it back to sea. Thats what I am.
I'm a little fish.
Some might say I've just got some growing to do, but I disagree. I'm gonna be a little fish forever.
I just wish I was big enough for somebody sometimes, that's all.

The Sleep-Less

I have my moments. I am not always one hundred percent functional. Actually, not even close. I am almost never completely functional or close to completely functional. I'm not even sure how you measure something like that.

Anyway, since it seems I have had this extra time thrusted upon me I might as well do something time consuming and exhausting.
Lets talk.

I need to finish all the work I've been avoiding. It's piling up and deadlines are getting closer and closer and I'm not exactly sure how to deal with it. I know that there are things I should be doing but I can't seem to find the motivation to do them. I'm more concerned with everything else in my life.

I am still hanging on to something I know is lost. And I can't help it. Thats not true, I haven't even tried to help it.

I need change. I need something real in my life. I need less to think about. I wish that it were a week from now, and everything had sorted itself out and there was suddenly less for me to think about and worry about and get excited about. Just life, and the future. Or less of the future and more of the present. The now. And loving every minute of it. I know I'll love every minute of it.