It's not jealousy. Jealousy would require me to want. Its nothing that I want. Its a nothing that I wish I did. And it makes me sad to see someone else getting it, and doing the things that I wish that I could myself do. But I can't, because I'm not made in a way that allows me to do such things. And as such I have no reason to care other than the sake of caring. And I'll tell myself that I don't, because when it comes down to what it is and what it means I don't. But I do care because it's something that I can't acheive. So what is that? Envy? Or is that the same thing as jealousy?
I find my heart wishing I could do something differently or want things differently or try things in a new way, but here I am. Still trying to figure out why I dont feel like I can do anything right. Wondering what I did wrong and why the happiness of someone else for a thing I never wanted in the first place is something that breaks my heart.
Perhaps dishonesty is the root of this confusion. I am being dishonest with myself and everything that goes along with that. There was once a part of me that wanted something different than the something that I have. But that something that I've lost I had reliquenshed when it was gone, and accepted this loss as something that could never be found again.
But still as if it were a lost limb blown off in a war of love, or passion, or indifference, I still feel the phantom flinch. Willing something to move only to find that it no longer exists. A phantom itch for someone thats been severed a time ago. An itch that even if I were able to scratch, wouldn't satisfy the feeling of something being gone. The void of something lost that I didn't know I had to begin with.