rose mcqueen

She was the type of girl who questioned everything. She was the girl you could never get to know. She kept to herself, and never let anyone get close.

"this life" she thought. "this life has no meaning. We'll live then we'll die." She walked along the street, face down. She didn't talk to anyone, she didn't need to. She didn't look at anyone, she didn't need to. Everyday she'd walk to school and wonder 'why, why are there always an odd number of cracks on a sidewalk?' Everyday she counted, and no matter what day it was always odd. She didn't know why she counted, the blocks werent bound to change, and yet everyday there she was, counting. She counted as if, as if if she didn't her world would crumble. The same thing everyday, she never changed, she never wanted to. Rose was just a girl waiting for the end of what she saw as a very long day.

"no way to live this life" her mother had said everyday for the past 12 years. "ever since you were 5" she'd say "ever since, you don't want nothing to do with anything" Rose just nodded her head, barely awknowladging her mothers exsistence. "Rose" her mother'd call "Rose" but too late, she'd be out the door, counting the cracks, just like everyday. Everyday.

At precisely 7:24 she'd reach the bus stop, and the man with the breif case and the woman who wore to much makeup would be there already. Always there. The bus, reached the stop at 7:31 everyday, precisely. And not once, not once was this routine ever altered. At 7:54 she would reach her school, by 7:57 she'd reach the library where she'd skim the fiction section. Same books, nothing new. She walked in and out of her classes, mindless, head down. At lunch she'd eat her same peanut butter sandwhich, and read the same book. 25 times, she counted. The 25^th time shes read this book, and the ending never changed, nor will it ever. Just as this.

No matter how many times you read this story the ending will never change. The girl will never get the boy, the girl wont find her destiny, nor her meaning in life. This girl is just a girl. A girl with a pathetic tale about a boy she fell for and never got. This is a tale of a sorry young woman who never trusted a soul until it was too late. A girl who never tried, or longed for change. This is the tale of Rose Mcqueen.

Rose felt uninspired the day of January 3^rd. It was quite moist outside, and the clouds were hovering and it seemed as if they wouldn't leave. A sigh was the most she could manage that morning before exiting her home. This morning she did not find her mother standing in the kitchen. This morning her mother was not giving her talk about life. No this morning her mother was absent. Rose hardly noticed, she just walked out the front door. The air was crisp and she could feel the cold pressing against her face. She could feel her toes slowly numb and looked at her hands and noticed a pink tinge starting to arise. She shoved them in her pockets quickly. No need to linger. One..two.. three.. four.. five…she stopped suddenly. Six? Six cracks? Rose's back straightened a bit. In the twelve years shes counted these cracks there has never been six. She must have counted wrong, a crack just doesn't appear. Besides there was always five, five! Not six! Rose turned and walked back to the stoop. She began again. One.. two… three. Four… five…she paused again. Six? 'Six cracks.' She thought to herself. 'six cracks.' She began to walk to her stop. 'six cracks' the thought still lingered. Puzzled by this she didn't notice the new boy at the stop, she didn't notice the three sitting on the bench, instead of the two, lazily lounging on the chilly bench. Rose, like every morning took her spot next to the man with the breifcase, not even noticing the curious boy staring right at her.

Like everyday the bus arrived, precisely at 7:31. The bus was buissier than usual this strange morning, so naturally her seat, was taken. Smelly people, she thought, smelly people. She chose a resting place, at the back corner of the bus. The light was flickering, it hurt her eyes. She raised her hood over her eyes and held her breath. Smelly people, she thought, smelly people. Rose didn't like to look at people, people are ugly, she thought. She focused her eyes on the ground, messy, she thought, beautiful, she thought. Her eyes ran up and down the isle, glancing at the chairs covered in artwork by various peoples from across the city. None of it was new, she'd seen it all before. Nothing was new, until she noticed a clump of words, a clump of words that shook her to the core, that threw her off balance on this morning. This morning when her mother, was absent, and there were six cracks instead of five, something happened to Rose. Something that undoubtably changed her, Rose fell.

On this day Rose had fallen both literally, and emotionally. The first of the 2 was the literal, when she fell straight into the arms of the curious boy with the eyes who burrowed a hole straight through the shell that was Rose. Maybe it was the words that had thrown her off balance in the first place, maybe they weakened her defenses so that when she looked into the eyes of this boy on this faithful day she no longer thought people were ugly.

Rose had never felt as unsure as she did at that moment when she looked into the eyes of that curious boy. She didn't like this uncertainty. Infact, she hated it, and thus she stood as quickly as her legs would allow, throwing her off balance again sending her face first flat against the dirty floor. Her belongings scattered creating an uproar of laughter amongst the passengers.

Fuck them.

Fuck them all. She thought, and at the next stop she walked off the bus as quickly as she could, leaving her belongings strewn across the floor. She could feel the passengers watching her walk away, Rose just walked, and walked, and kept walking until her body was numb and she was growing weary. Her knees finally gave when she was walking through a alley, which was deserted with the exception of a few scruffy cats. And It was here that Rose finally felt for the first time in years. It was here that she broke down, and cried. It was here that she got angry and kicked everything in sight throwing consecutive punches at a wall until her knuckles bled. It was here that she laughed like a maniac at how stupid she was acting over a few insignificant cunts. What she did not realize, however, was that the whole time she was acting out, the boy with the curious eyes was watching her cry, and punch, and laugh, wishing to go to her, call to her.

She felt his gaze upon her this time, and through watery eyes she made out the image of what to her was a saint in black sneakers

Rose slowly lifted her head, its heaviness increasing every second. Her neck didn't feel strong enough, she felt faint. She needed to be level, level headed, level minded, level hearted. She told herself to stand, but her legs wouldn't respond. She told herself to move, but her body would not budge For seconds she kneeled as if to pray, not moving, just staring. Neither the boy, nor rose was dropping the other's gaze, neither one moving a muscle. Just watching, waiting. Rose felt her knees begin to prickle, and pain begin to arise, she couldn't move, she was stuck, always stuck. The boy wanted to help; she saw it in his eyes, but he didn't know how. She watched his gaze go from her face, to her wounded knuckles, to the hole in her jeans where he could see some skin reddening from the pressure of her body on her knees.

" Y-you can move," he sputtered louder he'd intended. The volume made Rose jump, and come back to life. Within seconds she was on her feet ready to sprint away.

"Wait! No! N-no please don't go! I-I just want to talk, you… back there I mean… I didn't laugh! I-I the people back there, they don't know anything you just shouldn't let them get to you is-is all…" Rose laughed, and the boy was taken aback.

"You don't know shit" was all she said, her face remaining calm. She didn't smile, or smirk, she didn't look angry or offended, she just shook her head indifferently.

"That's my shit," she said motioning to her mass of papers and miscelanious items, which were shuffled in the bag slung over his shoulder.

"Y-yea I was… I mean I picked it up... I didn't think… I mean I thought you-" sweat was beginning to trickle down his neck, she was making him nervous.

"Yea ok well I'd like it back" she said and made a grab at her bag as she walked by.

"Let me walk you back, you shouldn't be alone you might get lost a-and especially in this weather.." his voice trailed off.

"In this weather what? Even if I let you come with me what good will you be if it rains? Are you gonna hop on me and try to make sure I don't get wet?" the boy began to blush and stutter, but nothing came out except

"Anatlemeasknotw." She looked at him curiously as his face turned a darker shade of red, and made another attempt to retrieve her belongings.

"NO!" he shouted unintentionally yanking the bag away, and once he realized how loud he'd spoken his face began to darken even more, and it soon looked like he wasn't getting enough air. Rose looked catiously at the boy wondering why he was trying so hard to get to her. He didn't even know her. She saw him inhale as his face began to look a more natural color.

"Just give me a name, any name." He said.

"Give me a name and I'll give you your sh-things. It doesn't even have to be a real one…" his eyes were practically pleading for a response. Something about those eyes, they were so deep, so pure, so innocent. Maybe that's why she did it, maybe that's why she didn't just walk away right then and there, things would've been easier if she'd done what her whole body was aching to do. Rose wished she had just simply walked away leaving all the shit behind that she didn't need, but she didn't, she gave him a name, a real name.

"Judy" she said softly, and grabbed her bag leaving a wide-eyed boy with a loosely hung mouth staring as she walked away.

Ed

"Now by Monday you need to be giving me the whole truth. I'm your lawyer and as such I-"

"You what?" He stood up to meet the lawyer's gaze. "You.." he said slowly "what?" The lawyer would no longer look in his eyes. Pathetic he thought. Just sad, and he slowly lowered himself into the metal chair. Things weren't made for comfort here, but he knew it was his punishment. He deserved whatever consequence he got. For what you might ask? Foolishness would be the ultimate answer. He could've been a free man all these months, could've had a clean record and been sitting on a plush chair drinking aged Brandi basking in the beauty of Sergio Calligaris' heaven-esque piano playing, but no. Edmond Peters had been blessed with a conscience that would forever eat away at him until one faithful night he would slit his wrists with a dirty razor, blood staining a perfectly pristine sink. No he'd rather spend years In prison for something he didn't do, wouldn't ever do, instead of staining his immortal soul. It was his curse, his demise, and in someway everything he'd ever needed.

"The truth…Mister… Peters" the lawyer said distastefully, almost as if the words tasted of sewage at the tip of his tongue. Edmond watched his mouth curl into a twisted grin, son of a bitch. He thought, the bastard thinks I'm guilty. Edmond was perfectly aware that his face was masked in a disgusted expression, and he planned to leave it that way.

"The truth Mister Williams is something that any good lawyer would be able to figure out without their defendants help. Now I know that asking you to actually do something productive that may, I don't know save my life or something or rather may be a bit much to ask but seeing as it is your fucking job it seems like you would be fucking smart enough to get it right the first fucking time!" by now his face was merely inches from the lawyers, so close he could see sweat pooling up at his receding hairline. "Now I'm sorry mister Williams that for the incompetent little fucking brain of yours, but if this is way to much to handle tell me now, but seeing as I'm paying you for the hour, every second that your on my time you better be doing everything in your fucking power to prove my innocence because if you don't…" Edmond was painfully aware of how loud his voice had gotten so he quickly lowered his voice so the guard wouldn't hear. Moving closer to the lawyers face, merely centimeters now he continued his speech "If you don't do what I ask Mr. Williams, I promise you will forever regret wasting my time I will not feel any guilt destroying your career" he lied and with that he brushed some dandruff flakes off the lawyers black suit. "now run along like a good little bi-" the guard flashed him a warning glance "ahem, employee." And he sat back in his chair rather pleased his rather spontaneous but well put motivational speech, which was more terrifying than motivational but affective none the less.

"Mr.…. Mr. peters" Mr. Williams said much less confident "I can only do so much, you see, no matter what we need your statement" His eyes pleading to make Edmond understand. "Please sir" Mr. Williams said in a hushed tone, he was begging now. By now Edmond's famous conscious was kicking in, and that's when he had to decide, loyalty to a friend, who granted yes was a pathetic excuse for a human, or saving his own arse and possibly making this lawyers career. Shit. He knew what he had to do, and no matter how much he hated the guy it wasn't gonna be easy.

"Get me a pack of smokes and clear out the rest of your day schedule. This is gonna take some time" and with that Mr. Williams stood up and practically skipped out to inform his clientele of his now busy schedule. Edmond buried his face in his hands and pondered what consequences would come to be from what he'd just done..

"Son of a bitch" was all he said, as he got ready to tell the truth about what happened on the 23rd of last June.

coffee shop [revised]

Coffee, it's a smell I crave to smell. Its like when you're away from home for a really long time you start to miss the scent. That's exactly how I felt. When I walked into the shop I was surprised at how much it changed. Fuck sometimes looking in the mirror surprised me. I had changed so much since I was last here, I guess I should have expected that things were bound to be different, but I don't think I was truly ready. Not for this.

The posters that they had scattered amongst the walls were torn down and replaced by some fancy French realist paintings. The once discolored off white water stained walls were now a sissy lavender practically shouting morals and adulthood, when 20 years ago this place was the opposite filled with an assortment of drug dealers and a variation of sins to experience.

I glanced quickly around, taking one last shocking glance at this newly formed high-class coffee shop. I sighed; perhaps things were better like this. Maybe this was all supposed to happen, but why, why would anyone or anything intentionally ruin a good person like Devin. He didn't deserve what happened, he didn't need any more disappointment and then 'we' happened.

I took a seat and buried my face in my hands. This isn't living I thought, It wasn't supposed to end up like this. I had never planned to be that consistently angry woman in her mid-40's that had obviously experienced life way too much. God what happened to make me this way? I looked up hoping a divine voice would respond, telling me this was something I had to do. That what happened was necessary in order for me to become a better person. That I had to be here, but nothing came and again I was alone questioning why I had even bothered to come in the first place. This isn't fair I told myself. This just isn't fair.

I glanced at my watch noticing that no more than 10 minutes had passed. Where was he? A little voice in my head said leave, but almost instantly every fiber in my being began fighting me, my legs, my will to leave and soon I had convinced myself that I needed this, he needed this. I took a deep breath savoring out each intake of air.

"Hey." I instantly recognized that deep voice. A little worn, but I would recognize it anywhere. Looking up I saw a round gorgeous face with little signs of age, smooth brown skin, and dark round eyes. He's a lot more built than he used to be, still tall, signature smile, but those eyes, I would recognize them anywhere.

" Devin!" I said my voice cracking a little. I stood up quickly knocking my chair over, but he just smiled and placed it back on its 4 legs.

"Liz, man you look about the same, Aged a little, but like fine wine" Same guy.

"Still smooth with the ladies I see" I said going to hug him, and then I suddenly realized what I'd just said. I never was much good at stalling.

"You know I was never good with that," His face faltered slightly. I knew what he was thinking, He knew I knew, but there was no sense in saying anything yet.

"So you got coffee yet?" he paused looking at my table searching for a cup "Its way better than it used to be."

"No way man, back in the day that shit was the best." I laughed lightly "You remember how it was."

"Yea. It was nice while it lasted but everyone left, so it got a little boring, but I guess its not too bad"

"I'm surprised you never left this place, I mean the way you talked it always …" Oh god. What did I just... oh god. I felt my palms begin to sweat. I just have to say the first thing that comes to my mind. Way to go Liz, way to go. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean t-...I didn't mean th-.... I meant..." what did I mean? I didn't know myself so how did I expect to recover from that one? Luckily something happened that only ever happens in the movies, coffee came. Right on time.

I put as much coffee in my mouth as I could manage not considering the fact that it was probably just freshly brewed and really hot.

"SHIF!"

"Yea..." He said eyeing me "its hot."

" 'Ea it 's" I said with a pained grin hoping, in the back of my mind this meant a subject change so some good would come from making 3^rd degree burns on the roof of my mouth. The corners of his mouth turned up and I assume it was meant to be a smile. God what happened to him?

"Lets sit over there where we can have a little privacy" he pointed up. I knew exactly where he wanted to go, it was where she would've gone if she were here. Suddenly it occurred to me maybe, even though she was gone, he was still living by her rules. That thought sent a sensation down my spine that made me uncomfortable. No good would ever come from living by her rules.

I slowly walked up the stairs preparing for myself for what awaited, but once we got there I was more shocked to find they kept this place exactly the same. There was the same torn up couches and assortment of band posters. The misfits playing gently in the background, only loud enough to reach our ears. Suddenly memories began to flood through my brain so many, him, me, the twins, Dan, Peter, Patrick, and her. I see her sitting in that corner; she's smiling, mocking me like she always did, she thought I was too serious. 'What point is living if your always serious? You'll die before your 40, wrinkly and angry.' But I had lived hadn't I? I was alive, and she... she… I felt myself choke back some tears. She was right about the rest I realized, but it wasn't because I was so serious, it was her fault. She ruined me. I was happy, and then she happened. Why am I consistently blaming her for everything?

"Do you mind?" I pulled out a pack, I saw his face, an ugly wince that he used to pull every time we smoked, and then it slowly morphed into indifferent.

"No not at all." He tried grinning again; it looked more painful than it was last time.

"Did you think I quit?" I said taking a drag feeling the serine sensation of nicotine coursing through my veins.

"Well after everything..." he started, but his words were drowned out by my own thoughts. After everything, hah, yea after everything, I couldn't quit. I smoked more, I drank more, but I wasn't about to tell him that.

"I did for a while, I did what I could to get away from that whole scene, but after I had kids the stress just…" I trailed off, he wasn't looking at me anymore, he was staring at something else. Thinking about something else than now. I got the feeling that he hadn't been listening for the last several minutes; I made him think of her. Her, that's really all its about. No matter what I do, she's what it all comes back to. Veronica, better know as Vee.

Veronica, its amazing, after all these years just thinking about your name gives me chills. Its like your ghost is constantly haunting me, blaming me for everything, the drugs, the sex, the drinking, everything that happened that summer. Everything.

By now all that was in my vision was the red of palms pressed against my face, slowly I lowered them in hopes he was still in a daze. I guess I'd gone pale or something cause in a few moments I realized he had been asking me if I was ok.

"Yea fine, fine." I am fine, I told myself. I am fine, I lied to myself "I'm just a little..." I took a drag and spoke up "I'm just a little… I-I don't know, being back here brings up memories…" I told him " So many memories" I added under my breath. I wasn't sure if he heard me, I wasn't sure if he was paying attention enough to hear me, but I knew that he felt it. He felt her. I shook away these thoughts and attempted at a smile, I guess he could tell it was fake cause he raised an eyebrow and gave me that "stop with the shit" look. Stop with the shit…

"How do you talk about something like this?" I finally muttered after several moments, my voice sounded weak, and small.

"I don't know" His voice was weak and tired, like a man who never sleeps, like a man who was never at peace. "I don't know" He repeated softly and looked at me. His skin wrinkled around his brow and he ran his hand across his newly grown stubble. I now saw the effects of age on my friend. He was aging, tired, worn. He's been through too much, seen too much, he couldn't handle the truth. None of the truth. His eyes ere begging me to tell him something, to lie to him.

"I knew." I began "Before it all came out to the rest of you, I knew. I was there, I- I watched her fall apart." I looked down in shame of what I was doing to my friend "Devin…. Devin I think I could've stopped her, I never, she…." I paused trying to find the words "Devin I think I encouraged her" I sputtered. His eyes went dark, and he leaned back to listen. Another cigarette Liz, its time, time to tell him everything he wants to hear.

++++++

"She- she um" I took a long drag to calm my nerves "She asked me once, to never tell anyone about what happened that summer. You see, we made this pact," I lied. There was never a pact, we didn't make pacts. " We made this pact" I began gain "that what we did, everything, would stay between us. A secret." Yeah a secret, but what could I say? If I told him the truth, Vee I pleaded closing my eyes, if I told him the truth he would never forgive you, he… he would never heal. I convinced myself that I was helping him. I told myself I was lessening his pain.

"Me and V, we… we liked to keep secrets, secrets from everyone else. She… she once said 'best friends are nothing without secrets, that's why we need to make our own. Like one big inside joke" I began to feel sick. What kind of person does this to a friend?
"Except after a while the secrets… they became more serious." I took another drag. He was listening, I could tell. His eyes were focused on me, he was really listening. I began to wonder if he could see through me. No, no he trusted me. That's how Devin was he believes you…he listens. I missed him, suddenly my stomach turned. I felt like I was going to vomit. I'm sorry Devin I said. I'm so so sorry. What have I become I asked him with my eyes, but he couldn't hear me. I was lost inside this person, this horrible person. Devin what have I become?

"You remember Bird right?" I said putting myself together "The uh, the one she always talked about" I took a sip of my coffee, it was much cold, the taste was bitter.

"Yeah, Birdie." He said distastefully "How could I forget her?" His snarled. The way he said her name, and his eyes got dark. He hated her; I never realized he hated her. I guess I never cared to realize.

"Look, I know she wasn't the best person but sh-" I stuttered

"She what?" He cut me off. He kept that look, the same blank stare and stony face I'd experienced for the first time only moments ago. It made your body tremble, and a quiver up your spine, making you uneasy. He hadn't forgiven her. I just stared. I couldn't say anything. He hadn't forgiven her, and he would never forgive me for this. When someone would say my name he'd get that same, eerie look and leave no room for redemption. If I let this go on, I could never be redeemed in his eyes. I looked down at my lap wondering if saving him from the pain of the truth was worth it, then suddenly a dark voice in my head said 'yes', and I turned of my emotions for good, fully prepared to deceive my friend.

" Cigarettes." I paused deciding I could tell him the truth about this. "That's where it started." I said unnaturally calm "She stole a pack from her mom, and we sat in the tunnel and smoked. Pete and Charlie were there; Pete just shook his head and walked away, but Charlie... Charlie got mad. He starts saying to us 'what the hell is wrong with you guys? Do you wanna get addicted? Is that really how you want to spend your life? A slave to nicotine and dying early to lung cancer… or… or lymphoma?! Don't you see what your doing?' and you know what we did?" I asked, and he shook his head, but I had a feeling he already knew the answer. "We laughed," I said. " We just… laughed." I said shrugging my shoulders "I guess we should've listened to him, huh? But back then what did he know. I mean when your that young you think your invincible, how could he just assume I'd be sitting somewhere smoking and that V would be…" I stopped. I'd gone to far. Devin was just staring at his coffee, as if he wished he could drown himself in it. If he couldn't handle this how could he handle the whole truth? It was heartbreaking, I now knew what I was doing the right thing.

" For a while it was just her, and for me it was a one time thing..." I continued watching him snap back into reality.

"But that was while you were dating James" he added on. "After that you kind of…"

"Yea, after I kind of picked it up" I said a little meaner than I meant.

"But a few months later" I paused giving him time to interrupt if he had anything else to say, He didn't. "We were always together smoking. Smoking cigarettes we got from Birdie." Birdie, I said this time making sure to dismiss the look on his face. "We used to get our cigarettes from Bird, so of course we had to be around her to smoke. One day we're with Bird and she gets this call from Joey"

"Bobbies brother?" I gave him an annoyed glance

"Yes Bobbies brother, may I go on?" He nodded a little embarrassed, we always kicked him down, until he resembled wounded dog.

"So one day we're with Bird and suddenly she gets this call from Joey saying he had some friends and alcohol, Vee was against it, but I talked her into it" I added, keeping her innocent in his eyes " 'First step cigarettes,' I said to her 'next alcohol.' I admit I liked the buzz; I liked the escape absence of inhibitions, or goals. Its just you and the floaty feeling, and for a while a while you felt like someone else. It was almost as if you were watching someone else living your life, Someone who just wasn't you. They were you, but the you wish you could be, the one that said funny things, and did all the things you never had the guts to do. I have to say I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being someone else, for a night, for a day, for a week, for a month. Time went by and it was like, it was like it wasn't. Time wasn't going by, I was standing still, and everything else was moving. I was stuck in a constant daze between hangovers and a buzz. Sober was hardly a name I could be called, but it wasn't alone. Me and Vee were practically attached. She was there, always for me; held my hair back when I'd vomit, keep me from fucking a random guy I wouldn't want to fuck sober. She was my sister, friend, mother, anything you can think of, that's what she was to me. I guess being in a daze I never saw her slipping away." I stopped unsure if I should continue, but it was too late, I had to say something, so I continued "Then one day it happened, I realized everything before me was crumbling down. I'd lost her, I'd lost me. I'd said it to her before, but this time I meant it, and she knew. I could see in her eyes that day, she wasn't happy, her ears turned red and she just exploded. 'WHY?' she screamed 'WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING? WHAT YOU DON'T APPRECIATE EVERYTHING I FUCKING DO FOR YOU? WHAT AM I TO YOU HUH?' as she was yelling she started pushing, and baking me into a wall. 'WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU EVER JUST SHUT YOUR BIG FUCKING MOUTH HUH? WHY? Don't you see what we have here?' she said 'With Bird, Joe, Janet? A family Liz. Fuck, we have a fucking family' She started crying, and I couldn't feel bad, I wouldn't feel bad. I was angry, I was so angry, who was she? Why could she talk to me like this? We were a family. Me and her, not Bird not Joe not Jan. Fuck it was supposed to be just me and her" I looked directly past him averting his eyes. I took another drag to steady myself. I knew what he was thinking, I was selfish. I was jealous, I killed our friend cause I was jealous. It was my fault, he blamed me, good. At least he wasn't blaming her I thought, at least… at least she was still the way he remembered her, the way he needed to remember her.

I looked up, and noticed balls of water falling down his cheeks. I looked away; I was doing this for her.

"I'm so so-" I started

"It happens," He said "it happens," I could hardly breathe. I'm doing this for her, I told myself again, I'm doing this for him.

"I'm gonna..." he started "I'm gonna get some more coffee" he was gone before I could respond. I'm doing this for them. I told myself, and slowly cradled my watery face in my hands. I'm doing this for them.

+++++

I felt bad for not mentioning what really made me fall apart and drove me to think I had to say something to Vee. I felt bad for not giving him the whole truth, but he didn't need to know. No one needed to know, just me, me and Vee.

I remember that day, the day we fought. Its one of the clearest memories I have. She yelled, of course she yelled, but that day something in her just… snapped. Her violent speech seemed to last for days, each moment dragged into the next. Everything in slow motion, and even so, even so I don't think I heard a word she said when she was yelling. Her voice was drowned out by the one in my head screaming "I love you, I'm doing this cause I love you." But I don't think that mattered, she never loved me back. There was always something with her, her need for something greater, than me, than us. I felt it, I always felt it, but I never wanted to acknowledge it. How do you admit the person you love most doesn't love you back? You don't. You deny it with ever fiber in your being. You do nothing. Nothing.

I wished it were that easy with me and Vee. I wished I could take it all back, and will her to live, but 20 some years later, later then what we were, who the hell would she be? Different? The same? Fuck who the hell am I? Shit. Shit shit shit. I buried my face in my hands. Shit.

"When did everyone start moving forward, and us back?" My own voice sounded foreign. I wasn't even sure I said it out loud. I felt distant, broken. What was wrong with me? I shook my head as if I thought all the bad things would just shake right out.

"You think to much" I glanced up into a familiar face outfitted in a harsh grin with poorly glamoured pain beneath. I knew this hurt him, talking about her. I was hurting him, lying about her. Years from now if he never recovered that could potentially be my fault. I glanced up nervously again. I don't think I could bear tearing his heart in fourths; halves were enough work to mend.

"Here" He sat down a steaming cup of coffee. The smell hinted that it was strong, fresh, warm. Warmth like a blanket, like my bed. My eyelids felt heavy I was exhausted. I sipped the Coffee.

"Oghud" I gurgled, steaming coffee pouring down my chin.

"Is Howu" I said numbly glowering down at this demonic drink. He just laughed gently, beaming at me with those eyes. " I never learn I said" still talking to my coffee cup. I set my coffee down only then noticing a fresh pack of cigarettes that I surely hadn't bought. I looked up expecting to see that scowling face he used to have every time we would smoke, but all I got was an indifferent look of disgust.

"I don't condone it" He spoke slowly his face softening slightly "But as long as it keeps you from passing out" I could tell he was unsure about what he just did. I'm sure he felt like he was supplying dry wood for the fire of my addiction, that's how I would feel. I lit myself a new cigarette and caught a glimpse of pain cross his face out of the corner of my eye. It was a look I'd never seen on him before, a look that you wouldn't ever had seen on him years ago, the look of a defeated man. That's when I realized, we broke him. 'Vee' I said to myself closing my eyes, 'are you happy? We broke him' I stared into my black coffee with not a word to say. No matter what happens today he will always be broken, the man who can never be happy. That's when I knew; we ruined this man's life. We owed him something, and the truth, the truth was all I could manage. With this last thought I bowed my head shamefully taking inventory of my palms and said quietly,

"I was in love with Joey" I closed my eyes and said a little louder, "I- H-… He didn't love me Devin, he loved her." I felt tears forming at the rim of my eyes "He didn't love me" I looked up hoping for some hint of compassion, but all I saw was a face of stone. It was silence for a moment, only a moment, and then he spoke in an unusual commanding voice.

" Did she love him back?" He said first, almost normal, trying to keep his voice level. Then he looked right into my eyes and asked again " DID SHE LOVE HIM BACK?" he said raising his voice.

I shamefully looked at my lap and quietly murmured

"Yes" understanding that now, in this moment, I just confessed to my friend that the love of his life never was his love at all.

frank the tank

Everything is crystal clear I see it now. Above the clouds there's nothing left but me and this, this body. A higher sense of what I thought I was. What I'm sure I am. Becoming more than I ever thought… and then and then my feet are still on this concrete. The impact of my fall could kill most but not me.

"Are you ok?" a woman screams at me. She's not helping. Maybe if I pretend to be dead she-

"Take his pulse," a man shrieked. I feel hands on me, on my bruises, pushing prodding.

"Is he still alive?" someone yells

"Did that boy jump?!" someone asks, more curious than concerned. The pushing continues, the poking persists. Someone's cold fingers touch my neck, they're soft, a woman's finger tips. I hope that my heart has stopped beating; I pray that I am inches from deat-

"Heartbeat. Th-theres a heartbeat" someone yells, I assume it's the woman with the soft hands.

"You're going to be ok," she whispers only loud enough for me to hear. Only for me. The rising call of the sirens echoes in the streets, closer and closer still. Someone called the ambulance. Asshole. I hear the shuffling of feet and a demanding voice sternly yelling "let me through! Let me through! O dear god" I must look pretty bad, I smile, or I tell myself to smile but I'm not sure if I really am. I can't feel my body; all this noise is beginning to fade. Is this what dying feels like? Mm, What a rush.

"Is he gonna be alright" She questions

"Are you family?" He asks

"No." she says. No?

"No?" He asks. I assume she shook her head

" I can't allow this information to…." He begins

"I don't think he has any family" she interrupts

"But its against…" he argues

"No one will ever know" she adds I hear a sigh. She's won

"He'll live" he says

"Did he jump?" she asks

"He- I- I couldn't tell you" he answers. Ow He knows, he's not stupid.

"Did you hear that?" she asks. Ow

"He spoke" she said. I spoke, I thought, I spoke.

Frank is my name. Not Mr. Maxwell, Frankie, Frankie bear, Frank the tank, Frank the creep, the loser. Not Frankiedoodles or frankiedizzle, Frank who cares, the crazy one. Frank the faggot. No, just Frank, and I Frank, did not intend to kill myself today.

hey

She softly sighed breathing in the crisp winter air burning in her lungs. She faintly heard her friends voices dancing in the backround, her music was much more promininet the headphones buried deep within her ear canals. The pulse of the music was easily felt through her ears, for it was far to loud and of this she was aware. 'look at that sky' she told herself. The bluest parts stood out from the perrywinkle tainted by the transparent white of the clouds She squinted her already narrow eyes focusing so hard she saw the particles pulsating above her. Dancing around her making this reality that she herself held true. Breathing in again she felt the air traveling down her windpipes entering her lungs, a cold still lingering within.

Today was a day that was colder than all the rest. Her fingers were a numb chilled from the outside world, and her cheeks were a rosy pink from her body heat within rising up contrasting with the world around causing a clash of the two temperatures right at her cheeks.

"Bobbie" she thought she heard, glancing up she saw all their round faces looking down upon her. She snapped back into her reality tearing the comfort of the intrusive headphone from her ear.

"yeah" she sat up straight, noticing the euphoria wane. "yeah" she repeated quieter under her breath, taking one last savory breath, letting the beauty around her slip from her grasp. They all took one last glance at her and resumed their meaningless conversation. She leaned forward resting her forehead on her folded arms, the smell of the metal sweeping into her nostrils. It was nauseating and overbearing, but she let her head fall closer, the smell growing stronger and felt her mind slipping focusing on the dark of her close lids and the warmth on her back. In her dreams was where she was at home. In this reality that was of her own design he told her he loved her. Over and over and over

"BOBBIE" she felt a shake, a hand on her flesh pushing.

"Wake her up man"

"Is she ok?"

"stop pushing" she muttered, her words muffled by her arms. "Im fine, just didn't sleep last night" she grinned helplessly. Their eyes were prodding, searching for a flaw in her story eager to catch her in a lie. She knew them, she was used to them. "Really" she continued, "Im… fine" she spat out harsher than she intended. There was a silence around the table, everyone staring, trying to think of something to say. She could see it in their eyes. She could hear their little brains looking for a way to make her talk about her "feelings" but they silently knew they couldn't. "I have to go" she mumbled standing up not waiting for a response. Her eyes involuntarily moved towards his and for a moment they watched each other. Her skin began to crawl, her heart began to race and she felt her flesh heating up. She forced her eyes away turning her back to leave.

"Ill text!" someone shouted from behind, but she didn't bother to turn around to see who, her only reply was a less than enthusiastic wave of her hand and she was gone, alone.