coffee shop [revised]

Coffee, it's a smell I crave to smell. Its like when you're away from home for a really long time you start to miss the scent. That's exactly how I felt. When I walked into the shop I was surprised at how much it changed. Fuck sometimes looking in the mirror surprised me. I had changed so much since I was last here, I guess I should have expected that things were bound to be different, but I don't think I was truly ready. Not for this.

The posters that they had scattered amongst the walls were torn down and replaced by some fancy French realist paintings. The once discolored off white water stained walls were now a sissy lavender practically shouting morals and adulthood, when 20 years ago this place was the opposite filled with an assortment of drug dealers and a variation of sins to experience.

I glanced quickly around, taking one last shocking glance at this newly formed high-class coffee shop. I sighed; perhaps things were better like this. Maybe this was all supposed to happen, but why, why would anyone or anything intentionally ruin a good person like Devin. He didn't deserve what happened, he didn't need any more disappointment and then 'we' happened.

I took a seat and buried my face in my hands. This isn't living I thought, It wasn't supposed to end up like this. I had never planned to be that consistently angry woman in her mid-40's that had obviously experienced life way too much. God what happened to make me this way? I looked up hoping a divine voice would respond, telling me this was something I had to do. That what happened was necessary in order for me to become a better person. That I had to be here, but nothing came and again I was alone questioning why I had even bothered to come in the first place. This isn't fair I told myself. This just isn't fair.

I glanced at my watch noticing that no more than 10 minutes had passed. Where was he? A little voice in my head said leave, but almost instantly every fiber in my being began fighting me, my legs, my will to leave and soon I had convinced myself that I needed this, he needed this. I took a deep breath savoring out each intake of air.

"Hey." I instantly recognized that deep voice. A little worn, but I would recognize it anywhere. Looking up I saw a round gorgeous face with little signs of age, smooth brown skin, and dark round eyes. He's a lot more built than he used to be, still tall, signature smile, but those eyes, I would recognize them anywhere.

" Devin!" I said my voice cracking a little. I stood up quickly knocking my chair over, but he just smiled and placed it back on its 4 legs.

"Liz, man you look about the same, Aged a little, but like fine wine" Same guy.

"Still smooth with the ladies I see" I said going to hug him, and then I suddenly realized what I'd just said. I never was much good at stalling.

"You know I was never good with that," His face faltered slightly. I knew what he was thinking, He knew I knew, but there was no sense in saying anything yet.

"So you got coffee yet?" he paused looking at my table searching for a cup "Its way better than it used to be."

"No way man, back in the day that shit was the best." I laughed lightly "You remember how it was."

"Yea. It was nice while it lasted but everyone left, so it got a little boring, but I guess its not too bad"

"I'm surprised you never left this place, I mean the way you talked it always …" Oh god. What did I just... oh god. I felt my palms begin to sweat. I just have to say the first thing that comes to my mind. Way to go Liz, way to go. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean t-...I didn't mean th-.... I meant..." what did I mean? I didn't know myself so how did I expect to recover from that one? Luckily something happened that only ever happens in the movies, coffee came. Right on time.

I put as much coffee in my mouth as I could manage not considering the fact that it was probably just freshly brewed and really hot.

"SHIF!"

"Yea..." He said eyeing me "its hot."

" 'Ea it 's" I said with a pained grin hoping, in the back of my mind this meant a subject change so some good would come from making 3^rd degree burns on the roof of my mouth. The corners of his mouth turned up and I assume it was meant to be a smile. God what happened to him?

"Lets sit over there where we can have a little privacy" he pointed up. I knew exactly where he wanted to go, it was where she would've gone if she were here. Suddenly it occurred to me maybe, even though she was gone, he was still living by her rules. That thought sent a sensation down my spine that made me uncomfortable. No good would ever come from living by her rules.

I slowly walked up the stairs preparing for myself for what awaited, but once we got there I was more shocked to find they kept this place exactly the same. There was the same torn up couches and assortment of band posters. The misfits playing gently in the background, only loud enough to reach our ears. Suddenly memories began to flood through my brain so many, him, me, the twins, Dan, Peter, Patrick, and her. I see her sitting in that corner; she's smiling, mocking me like she always did, she thought I was too serious. 'What point is living if your always serious? You'll die before your 40, wrinkly and angry.' But I had lived hadn't I? I was alive, and she... she… I felt myself choke back some tears. She was right about the rest I realized, but it wasn't because I was so serious, it was her fault. She ruined me. I was happy, and then she happened. Why am I consistently blaming her for everything?

"Do you mind?" I pulled out a pack, I saw his face, an ugly wince that he used to pull every time we smoked, and then it slowly morphed into indifferent.

"No not at all." He tried grinning again; it looked more painful than it was last time.

"Did you think I quit?" I said taking a drag feeling the serine sensation of nicotine coursing through my veins.

"Well after everything..." he started, but his words were drowned out by my own thoughts. After everything, hah, yea after everything, I couldn't quit. I smoked more, I drank more, but I wasn't about to tell him that.

"I did for a while, I did what I could to get away from that whole scene, but after I had kids the stress just…" I trailed off, he wasn't looking at me anymore, he was staring at something else. Thinking about something else than now. I got the feeling that he hadn't been listening for the last several minutes; I made him think of her. Her, that's really all its about. No matter what I do, she's what it all comes back to. Veronica, better know as Vee.

Veronica, its amazing, after all these years just thinking about your name gives me chills. Its like your ghost is constantly haunting me, blaming me for everything, the drugs, the sex, the drinking, everything that happened that summer. Everything.

By now all that was in my vision was the red of palms pressed against my face, slowly I lowered them in hopes he was still in a daze. I guess I'd gone pale or something cause in a few moments I realized he had been asking me if I was ok.

"Yea fine, fine." I am fine, I told myself. I am fine, I lied to myself "I'm just a little..." I took a drag and spoke up "I'm just a little… I-I don't know, being back here brings up memories…" I told him " So many memories" I added under my breath. I wasn't sure if he heard me, I wasn't sure if he was paying attention enough to hear me, but I knew that he felt it. He felt her. I shook away these thoughts and attempted at a smile, I guess he could tell it was fake cause he raised an eyebrow and gave me that "stop with the shit" look. Stop with the shit…

"How do you talk about something like this?" I finally muttered after several moments, my voice sounded weak, and small.

"I don't know" His voice was weak and tired, like a man who never sleeps, like a man who was never at peace. "I don't know" He repeated softly and looked at me. His skin wrinkled around his brow and he ran his hand across his newly grown stubble. I now saw the effects of age on my friend. He was aging, tired, worn. He's been through too much, seen too much, he couldn't handle the truth. None of the truth. His eyes ere begging me to tell him something, to lie to him.

"I knew." I began "Before it all came out to the rest of you, I knew. I was there, I- I watched her fall apart." I looked down in shame of what I was doing to my friend "Devin…. Devin I think I could've stopped her, I never, she…." I paused trying to find the words "Devin I think I encouraged her" I sputtered. His eyes went dark, and he leaned back to listen. Another cigarette Liz, its time, time to tell him everything he wants to hear.

++++++

"She- she um" I took a long drag to calm my nerves "She asked me once, to never tell anyone about what happened that summer. You see, we made this pact," I lied. There was never a pact, we didn't make pacts. " We made this pact" I began gain "that what we did, everything, would stay between us. A secret." Yeah a secret, but what could I say? If I told him the truth, Vee I pleaded closing my eyes, if I told him the truth he would never forgive you, he… he would never heal. I convinced myself that I was helping him. I told myself I was lessening his pain.

"Me and V, we… we liked to keep secrets, secrets from everyone else. She… she once said 'best friends are nothing without secrets, that's why we need to make our own. Like one big inside joke" I began to feel sick. What kind of person does this to a friend?
"Except after a while the secrets… they became more serious." I took another drag. He was listening, I could tell. His eyes were focused on me, he was really listening. I began to wonder if he could see through me. No, no he trusted me. That's how Devin was he believes you…he listens. I missed him, suddenly my stomach turned. I felt like I was going to vomit. I'm sorry Devin I said. I'm so so sorry. What have I become I asked him with my eyes, but he couldn't hear me. I was lost inside this person, this horrible person. Devin what have I become?

"You remember Bird right?" I said putting myself together "The uh, the one she always talked about" I took a sip of my coffee, it was much cold, the taste was bitter.

"Yeah, Birdie." He said distastefully "How could I forget her?" His snarled. The way he said her name, and his eyes got dark. He hated her; I never realized he hated her. I guess I never cared to realize.

"Look, I know she wasn't the best person but sh-" I stuttered

"She what?" He cut me off. He kept that look, the same blank stare and stony face I'd experienced for the first time only moments ago. It made your body tremble, and a quiver up your spine, making you uneasy. He hadn't forgiven her. I just stared. I couldn't say anything. He hadn't forgiven her, and he would never forgive me for this. When someone would say my name he'd get that same, eerie look and leave no room for redemption. If I let this go on, I could never be redeemed in his eyes. I looked down at my lap wondering if saving him from the pain of the truth was worth it, then suddenly a dark voice in my head said 'yes', and I turned of my emotions for good, fully prepared to deceive my friend.

" Cigarettes." I paused deciding I could tell him the truth about this. "That's where it started." I said unnaturally calm "She stole a pack from her mom, and we sat in the tunnel and smoked. Pete and Charlie were there; Pete just shook his head and walked away, but Charlie... Charlie got mad. He starts saying to us 'what the hell is wrong with you guys? Do you wanna get addicted? Is that really how you want to spend your life? A slave to nicotine and dying early to lung cancer… or… or lymphoma?! Don't you see what your doing?' and you know what we did?" I asked, and he shook his head, but I had a feeling he already knew the answer. "We laughed," I said. " We just… laughed." I said shrugging my shoulders "I guess we should've listened to him, huh? But back then what did he know. I mean when your that young you think your invincible, how could he just assume I'd be sitting somewhere smoking and that V would be…" I stopped. I'd gone to far. Devin was just staring at his coffee, as if he wished he could drown himself in it. If he couldn't handle this how could he handle the whole truth? It was heartbreaking, I now knew what I was doing the right thing.

" For a while it was just her, and for me it was a one time thing..." I continued watching him snap back into reality.

"But that was while you were dating James" he added on. "After that you kind of…"

"Yea, after I kind of picked it up" I said a little meaner than I meant.

"But a few months later" I paused giving him time to interrupt if he had anything else to say, He didn't. "We were always together smoking. Smoking cigarettes we got from Birdie." Birdie, I said this time making sure to dismiss the look on his face. "We used to get our cigarettes from Bird, so of course we had to be around her to smoke. One day we're with Bird and she gets this call from Joey"

"Bobbies brother?" I gave him an annoyed glance

"Yes Bobbies brother, may I go on?" He nodded a little embarrassed, we always kicked him down, until he resembled wounded dog.

"So one day we're with Bird and suddenly she gets this call from Joey saying he had some friends and alcohol, Vee was against it, but I talked her into it" I added, keeping her innocent in his eyes " 'First step cigarettes,' I said to her 'next alcohol.' I admit I liked the buzz; I liked the escape absence of inhibitions, or goals. Its just you and the floaty feeling, and for a while a while you felt like someone else. It was almost as if you were watching someone else living your life, Someone who just wasn't you. They were you, but the you wish you could be, the one that said funny things, and did all the things you never had the guts to do. I have to say I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being someone else, for a night, for a day, for a week, for a month. Time went by and it was like, it was like it wasn't. Time wasn't going by, I was standing still, and everything else was moving. I was stuck in a constant daze between hangovers and a buzz. Sober was hardly a name I could be called, but it wasn't alone. Me and Vee were practically attached. She was there, always for me; held my hair back when I'd vomit, keep me from fucking a random guy I wouldn't want to fuck sober. She was my sister, friend, mother, anything you can think of, that's what she was to me. I guess being in a daze I never saw her slipping away." I stopped unsure if I should continue, but it was too late, I had to say something, so I continued "Then one day it happened, I realized everything before me was crumbling down. I'd lost her, I'd lost me. I'd said it to her before, but this time I meant it, and she knew. I could see in her eyes that day, she wasn't happy, her ears turned red and she just exploded. 'WHY?' she screamed 'WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING? WHAT YOU DON'T APPRECIATE EVERYTHING I FUCKING DO FOR YOU? WHAT AM I TO YOU HUH?' as she was yelling she started pushing, and baking me into a wall. 'WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU EVER JUST SHUT YOUR BIG FUCKING MOUTH HUH? WHY? Don't you see what we have here?' she said 'With Bird, Joe, Janet? A family Liz. Fuck, we have a fucking family' She started crying, and I couldn't feel bad, I wouldn't feel bad. I was angry, I was so angry, who was she? Why could she talk to me like this? We were a family. Me and her, not Bird not Joe not Jan. Fuck it was supposed to be just me and her" I looked directly past him averting his eyes. I took another drag to steady myself. I knew what he was thinking, I was selfish. I was jealous, I killed our friend cause I was jealous. It was my fault, he blamed me, good. At least he wasn't blaming her I thought, at least… at least she was still the way he remembered her, the way he needed to remember her.

I looked up, and noticed balls of water falling down his cheeks. I looked away; I was doing this for her.

"I'm so so-" I started

"It happens," He said "it happens," I could hardly breathe. I'm doing this for her, I told myself again, I'm doing this for him.

"I'm gonna..." he started "I'm gonna get some more coffee" he was gone before I could respond. I'm doing this for them. I told myself, and slowly cradled my watery face in my hands. I'm doing this for them.

+++++

I felt bad for not mentioning what really made me fall apart and drove me to think I had to say something to Vee. I felt bad for not giving him the whole truth, but he didn't need to know. No one needed to know, just me, me and Vee.

I remember that day, the day we fought. Its one of the clearest memories I have. She yelled, of course she yelled, but that day something in her just… snapped. Her violent speech seemed to last for days, each moment dragged into the next. Everything in slow motion, and even so, even so I don't think I heard a word she said when she was yelling. Her voice was drowned out by the one in my head screaming "I love you, I'm doing this cause I love you." But I don't think that mattered, she never loved me back. There was always something with her, her need for something greater, than me, than us. I felt it, I always felt it, but I never wanted to acknowledge it. How do you admit the person you love most doesn't love you back? You don't. You deny it with ever fiber in your being. You do nothing. Nothing.

I wished it were that easy with me and Vee. I wished I could take it all back, and will her to live, but 20 some years later, later then what we were, who the hell would she be? Different? The same? Fuck who the hell am I? Shit. Shit shit shit. I buried my face in my hands. Shit.

"When did everyone start moving forward, and us back?" My own voice sounded foreign. I wasn't even sure I said it out loud. I felt distant, broken. What was wrong with me? I shook my head as if I thought all the bad things would just shake right out.

"You think to much" I glanced up into a familiar face outfitted in a harsh grin with poorly glamoured pain beneath. I knew this hurt him, talking about her. I was hurting him, lying about her. Years from now if he never recovered that could potentially be my fault. I glanced up nervously again. I don't think I could bear tearing his heart in fourths; halves were enough work to mend.

"Here" He sat down a steaming cup of coffee. The smell hinted that it was strong, fresh, warm. Warmth like a blanket, like my bed. My eyelids felt heavy I was exhausted. I sipped the Coffee.

"Oghud" I gurgled, steaming coffee pouring down my chin.

"Is Howu" I said numbly glowering down at this demonic drink. He just laughed gently, beaming at me with those eyes. " I never learn I said" still talking to my coffee cup. I set my coffee down only then noticing a fresh pack of cigarettes that I surely hadn't bought. I looked up expecting to see that scowling face he used to have every time we would smoke, but all I got was an indifferent look of disgust.

"I don't condone it" He spoke slowly his face softening slightly "But as long as it keeps you from passing out" I could tell he was unsure about what he just did. I'm sure he felt like he was supplying dry wood for the fire of my addiction, that's how I would feel. I lit myself a new cigarette and caught a glimpse of pain cross his face out of the corner of my eye. It was a look I'd never seen on him before, a look that you wouldn't ever had seen on him years ago, the look of a defeated man. That's when I realized, we broke him. 'Vee' I said to myself closing my eyes, 'are you happy? We broke him' I stared into my black coffee with not a word to say. No matter what happens today he will always be broken, the man who can never be happy. That's when I knew; we ruined this man's life. We owed him something, and the truth, the truth was all I could manage. With this last thought I bowed my head shamefully taking inventory of my palms and said quietly,

"I was in love with Joey" I closed my eyes and said a little louder, "I- H-… He didn't love me Devin, he loved her." I felt tears forming at the rim of my eyes "He didn't love me" I looked up hoping for some hint of compassion, but all I saw was a face of stone. It was silence for a moment, only a moment, and then he spoke in an unusual commanding voice.

" Did she love him back?" He said first, almost normal, trying to keep his voice level. Then he looked right into my eyes and asked again " DID SHE LOVE HIM BACK?" he said raising his voice.

I shamefully looked at my lap and quietly murmured

"Yes" understanding that now, in this moment, I just confessed to my friend that the love of his life never was his love at all.