The Sleep-Less

I have my moments. I am not always one hundred percent functional. Actually, not even close. I am almost never completely functional or close to completely functional. I'm not even sure how you measure something like that.

Anyway, since it seems I have had this extra time thrusted upon me I might as well do something time consuming and exhausting.
Lets talk.

I need to finish all the work I've been avoiding. It's piling up and deadlines are getting closer and closer and I'm not exactly sure how to deal with it. I know that there are things I should be doing but I can't seem to find the motivation to do them. I'm more concerned with everything else in my life.

I am still hanging on to something I know is lost. And I can't help it. Thats not true, I haven't even tried to help it.

I need change. I need something real in my life. I need less to think about. I wish that it were a week from now, and everything had sorted itself out and there was suddenly less for me to think about and worry about and get excited about. Just life, and the future. Or less of the future and more of the present. The now. And loving every minute of it. I know I'll love every minute of it.

God, can you hear me? It's me Ashley.

And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
and pinpoint where i am
When I finally get it figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself - Modest Mouse


I'm just another face, just another pretty face. In a crowd of thousands, billions, trillions in the galaxy. Just another ball of energy riding through space in a body thats too small to hold all my worth, so some day I'll just leave. Because my body can't hold all that is kept within me. And maybe it was always meant this way. This body is the chain tying me to this world, and without it I could be so much more then... whatever the fuck.

Can you remember when you became conscious? I can't. When did you become aware, aware, aware? Aware that you're alive, and aware that someday you will die? I'm alive, at least I think I'm alive. And I think I'm aware that I'm alive. And I think someday I'll die. But what if I'm not? And what if I don't?

I can't think like this forever, but I want don't want to stop. I want to be here now, but time time is running out and I feel it. I wish I could go back. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I don't want to live forever, and I certainly don't want to die.

I am afraid of what's to come, because I don't know how it will.

11:11

All I can do is hope that she is thinking of me
If I could blink if I could breathe if I could get my legs to move
Well this could be the day I get this girl to love me - Phantom Planet

I don't feel the need to wish for anything anymore. I see the clock hit 11:11, or an eyelash is picked off my face, and I'm not sure what to wish for. I'm not sure if I even have any wishes left. I look at the world around me and I think, what else could I want? Except for maybe general happiness for those I love, but I've asked that before. Do you think the wish gods ever get tired of hearing it? I wish the ones I loved could be happy wish gods. I wish they could be happy as long as life would allow.

We'll end up where we were.

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart,
I've got this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over
My boss just quit the job says he's goin' out to find blind spots and he'll do it
The 3rd Planet is sure that they're being watched by an eye in the sky that can't be stopped - Modest Mouse

I have a hard time understanding people who walk with heavy feet. I know this sounds crazy, let me explain. There's a certain way some people walk, like my mother. They walk with this quick meaningful step, and they slap their feet down. Imagine a quick thud thud thud thud. It breaks my heart a little bit hearing walks like this. It's almost like people with this walk fear that they're going to run out of time before they get where they're going or before they can do what they've got to do. I am not saying that we have an infinite amount of time. If anyone in the universe is aware of the fact that time runs out, and quick, it's me.
But to these quick paced people it's almost like they are going through life trying to live it as fast as they can, because they feel like they'll run out of time. I believe everything happens for a reason, that when we die it's just our time. You cannot try to live your life trying to predict when that time will come, just enjoy every second, minute and hour of this freaking blessing. Because truly, despite the adherent dificulties it is a blessing.
I never want to be able to justify walking through life like that. With a step so fast and heavy you can feel it before you ever hear it.

How I get by

We found a new kinda dance in a magazine
Try it on, it's like nothin' you've ever seen
You sweet talk like a cop, an' you know it
You bought a new bag of pot
So let's make a new start
And that's the way to my heart to
Way to my heart
And that's the way we get by to
Way we get by - Spoon

I think a little piece of me falls in love with every person I meet. Or a piece of me falls for a piece of them. It's rarely that I am ever actually in love, in fact I don't think it has ever happened to my recollection. But I do know that when I think about what love is "supposed" to feel like. That need to do everything within your power to make someone happy, to me that's friendship. I've never known a relationship aside from the rare few that it works out for, my parents being one of them, where you meet one person who fufills just about every need. I think I need to fall in love with everyone a little bit, to find all the different little things I'm missing myself. And that's just how I get by. Because I know that there are certain characteristics I will never be or own or anything like that. So I have to find them in other people who are willing to share those little things with me.

Like faith for instance. I can almost promise that I will never ever be able to just believe in god, or the socially accepted version(s) of him. I don't think I'll ever have the strength to be abstinent from certain things that I know are bad. I don't think that I'll ever have the courage to take risks like just giving all of yourself to someone. Or be selfless enough to have a child of my own.

I don't think I'll ever be any of those things. I know I'm young but, even early on people are able to understand certain things about themselves. So I have to fall in love with everyone a little bit, because if I think too much about all the things I lack, then I've almost got nothing left. I have to be able to pretend that somehow the characteristics everyone I care about own, I in turn own too. It makes me feel more human.. or something.

the Re-Turn(s)

Where have you been my blue eyed son?
Oh Where have you been my darling young one? -Bob Dylan

I have been silently crawling out of my skin. Less silently and more openly. Publicly. Beautifully. Like a piece of art. Or a caterpillar becoming a butterfly and I'm still making all of these pitiful mistakes. Avoidable mistakes. Predictable even. I am predictable. But everyone else can predict it, and me? I'm lost to myself. There's some kind of beauty in that. I'll never get sick of being around me, as long as the me I'm being is still changing and growing. Even if I don't like who that person is one day, I suppose I'll enjoy the journey.

And lately, my chest has felt tight. Like weight was being dropped on it, and my hearts beat seems off. It's out of sink with my head.
And I've been writing, just not in the conventional sense. Still presenting my thoughts to the world but in a louder, less effective, manner.

And Lastly, at least I'm consistent with myself.