Ode to 2009

I been meek
And hard like an oak
I seen pretty people disappear like smoke.
Friends will arrive, friends will disappear,
If you want me, honey baby,
I'll be here.
- Bob Dylan

It seems only fitting I would start of with a quote from Dylan, for he has been the soundtrack to my year.

This year started off rocky. I wasn't exactly sure how it would play out, but amazingly it was one of the best years I can remember. This was the year I met El Grupo, and these people have changed my life. Changed me. Into a better stronger more self sufficient person so I no longer need to rely on the affection of a man for happiness. I have several people who can make me smile almost any day of the week. My affinity for the art of cycling and bicycle mechanics is astounding. A year ago I could not have guessed I would have been as in love with bikes as I am now, it really is amazing what time does. I can still remember my first ride, I thought the people were loud and obnoxious and gross and bike riding was the dumbest thing on the planet. Now its all I want to do. I have started to appreciate the little things, like that pure satisfaction when you reach the top of a climb. Or the view when going down a mountain you spent hours trying to attack. I've begun hiking more and being more self aware, and honestly I really have never been happier.

My best friends and I have now known one another for about 6 years at this point, going on 7. It seems lately we've been growing apart, but I can't say I view this as a bad thing. I feel that this year I've become more independent, more mature and able to be on my own. I do intend to be friends with these people for a long time to come, but I don't need them for my happiness. I've found ways to be happy without human companionship, but I have to say having someone to be there for you is always nice.

My relationships have been strange. After me and my last boyfriend, which hilariously ended on New Years last year, I have had a series of pseudo-intimate relationships, all of which truly unsatisfying. I hope this coming year I will prove to be more successful in finding someone who fits into my happiness. I think I've been afraid to be honest. I think I've been afraid of caring about someone because it hurts when caring just isn't enough anymore. Twice has been too much for me to handle, even if I was the one who instigated the breakups. Perhaps this coming year I will be a little less cautious with my emotions and a little more relaxed and understand that whatever will be will be, and when it ends it'll suck but those things don't last forever, and I've gotten better at recovering fast. Its hard to imagine I was actually feeling all the things I was feeling a year ago, almost to the day. Its nice to know whatever happens, that time will inevitably pass and my wounds will indeed heal. So maybe this means for this new year, I will be less cynical and bitter about relationships.
Perhaps my resolution should be,
to trust more.
to love more.
to truly appreciate the beauty of everything I've been gifted with, more.
Hopefully I'll remember not to forget that.