Yeah I want to pull you down into bed.
I want to cast your face in lead.
Well every time I pull you close,
Push my face into your hair,
Cream rinse and tobacco smoke
That sickly scent is always, always there
- Cake
Get it out of me. These words they’re like a disease. Or maybe I’m like a spring, overflowing and over-compensating for the world around me. These words flowing up out of my mouth like vomit. I am a bulimic of the English language. I think any thought I have I could probably vomit up in an acceptable jumble of witty phrases and intriguing scenarios. Fuck that. I never wanted to be a writer, but I was born with this horrible ability to just spew everything everywhere. And maybe it’s not as bad as a make it seem, I could be blessed with worse. But I hate that I cant control the force with which it comes. I’ll have days, weeks, months, where it will just be a never ending spew of these foul shapes that somehow can be interpreted as a thought or a story.
I want to be free of this curse, but at the same time it’s the most comforting thing I’ve ever had. When other people lay awake at night with tears welling up in their eyes because they’re too emotionally retarded to express how they feel, I can express myself without a thought. A few clicks of my fingers or vibrations of my voice box and I can tell anyone or anything, anywhere what I think of them at that exact moment.
Okay that’s an exaggeration, I have had moments where the words just seemed to be lost on me, and their meaning as empty as an orange rind with all the juice squeezed out. And when that happens I am scared. Truly those moments when I am at a loss for words are when something serious has, or will occur. Its like somehow my brain can read the universe better then my own thoughts and will cause me to temporarily shut down so I don’t overload trying to frantically record exactly what was going through my mind.
But when I need it most, when I feel the tears gathering at the brim of my eyes, I know that this is what I come to to comfort myself. These words are like a blanket for my weary soul when the traveling gets hard, in this existence. When the feet of my spirit get riddled with blisters and I just feel like laying down and quitting, these words are what I have left to keep my sanity intact, and despite how much I might despise this sometimes, that is a true gift. I know as long as I have these words I’ll have something reliable to hold me up when all my other pillars have crumbled beneath the weight of human emotions and unreasonable expectation. That is comforting, but I refuse to bask in that comfort. Instead I’ll squeeze all the creative juice from my soul, and like a drought I’ll be free of these words for a while. But no droughts last forever, and as it should be I will blossom again full of juice and sweet as ever, ready to drain myself again.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
In an aeroplane over the sea
In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change - Coldplay
I get too attached. I am being self-destructive, I feel it. A nuclear bomb has been dropped and its going to burst, I know it.
You make me angry. The un-specific you. You make my skin fucking crawl sometimes, and then you do the sweetest things. You are so freaking bi-polar I can't see you clearly anymore. The way you act and the things you do seem to be polar opposites, and all of a sudden all my reason is lost.
I want to tell you how to live your life, you need some fucking direction but it's not my place. I have nothing invested, and sometimes I really wish I did because really you're truly something, but I can't, and I won't. I refuse to allow myself to be wooed by someone who can't piece his life together when it's falling apart. How can you just let it all fall apart? For the sake of that poor girl jesus you have to pull yourself together, but you won't. I know you well enough to know you're a good boy, man, whatever, but you can be such an idiot. This person should be able to rely on you, and one day you're going to wish that she could, but she won't because you were never there.
And god I want to tell you that. All of that, but I can't, because if I did you wouldn't listen. If I did you'd just think I was acting crazy or being a fool but I just care, I really truly care, but it's not my place to care. And it brings tears to my eyes at the thought that this little girl will never truly know you. She won't know all the sweet things that I know you are capable of. You will just be the man who never tried and that makes you a very sorry son of a bitch, because one of these days I just know it, an atom bomb will drop in your heart when you realize she wants nothing to do with you.
You could fix it, if you wanted to you could prevent all of this, but you wont. And in some ways I wish you'd somehow read this. I wish that you would read this and be hurt and get upset and tell me how wrong I am. I want you to prove me wrong and tell me that you do care, and I don't know what I'm talking about. Then maybe you'd go to that crazy woman and tell her you want to be involved. That you want to be there for that little girl.
But I know you, you like to think you're helpless. You like to play the fool, but damnit you're not. I want to tell you to grow a pair and just grow up. Grow the fuck up and be a father, but I won't. It's not my place.
But goddamnit I wish it was.
Were lines that I couldn't change - Coldplay
I get too attached. I am being self-destructive, I feel it. A nuclear bomb has been dropped and its going to burst, I know it.
You make me angry. The un-specific you. You make my skin fucking crawl sometimes, and then you do the sweetest things. You are so freaking bi-polar I can't see you clearly anymore. The way you act and the things you do seem to be polar opposites, and all of a sudden all my reason is lost.
I want to tell you how to live your life, you need some fucking direction but it's not my place. I have nothing invested, and sometimes I really wish I did because really you're truly something, but I can't, and I won't. I refuse to allow myself to be wooed by someone who can't piece his life together when it's falling apart. How can you just let it all fall apart? For the sake of that poor girl jesus you have to pull yourself together, but you won't. I know you well enough to know you're a good boy, man, whatever, but you can be such an idiot. This person should be able to rely on you, and one day you're going to wish that she could, but she won't because you were never there.
And god I want to tell you that. All of that, but I can't, because if I did you wouldn't listen. If I did you'd just think I was acting crazy or being a fool but I just care, I really truly care, but it's not my place to care. And it brings tears to my eyes at the thought that this little girl will never truly know you. She won't know all the sweet things that I know you are capable of. You will just be the man who never tried and that makes you a very sorry son of a bitch, because one of these days I just know it, an atom bomb will drop in your heart when you realize she wants nothing to do with you.
You could fix it, if you wanted to you could prevent all of this, but you wont. And in some ways I wish you'd somehow read this. I wish that you would read this and be hurt and get upset and tell me how wrong I am. I want you to prove me wrong and tell me that you do care, and I don't know what I'm talking about. Then maybe you'd go to that crazy woman and tell her you want to be involved. That you want to be there for that little girl.
But I know you, you like to think you're helpless. You like to play the fool, but damnit you're not. I want to tell you to grow a pair and just grow up. Grow the fuck up and be a father, but I won't. It's not my place.
But goddamnit I wish it was.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Getting even is not the best revenge, it's the only revenge.
Help me or
make me feel fine
I feel I've wasted my time.
- Brian Jonestown Massacre
Okay so maybe it's not getting even, or even revenge, but there is something truly satisfying in the idea that someone who thought they could do better isn't.
And maybe I spent too much time talking about how much I didn't care, and maybe that meant I did. But as soon as I stop thinking about it, I couldn't care less. And I hate that you kept this from me, cause you thought I'd care. And I hate that when I saw her for the first time I felt good, I felt damn good at the thought that you've down-graded, and my luck's only improved.
And at the same time it stung, because I saw that somewhere as much as I didn't think I did, I cared. In the deepest pits of my heart I could feel the ache, but it only lasted for a second. Which is a great improvement over before. If you're wondering why I'm writing this if I'm so over you this is why, because I want this to be the last thing I say on the subject.
I did care, a lot. And for quite some time, a really long time. But here's the thing, it was only when my loneliness was at its peak that you crossed my mind, that I really thought I cared. Only then. I did care, but now I see, I just used the idea of you to supplement my loneliness. That's why this lasted as long as it did, and I'm sorry. I'm over it, and it's done. This is my closure.
make me feel fine
I feel I've wasted my time.
- Brian Jonestown Massacre
Okay so maybe it's not getting even, or even revenge, but there is something truly satisfying in the idea that someone who thought they could do better isn't.
And maybe I spent too much time talking about how much I didn't care, and maybe that meant I did. But as soon as I stop thinking about it, I couldn't care less. And I hate that you kept this from me, cause you thought I'd care. And I hate that when I saw her for the first time I felt good, I felt damn good at the thought that you've down-graded, and my luck's only improved.
And at the same time it stung, because I saw that somewhere as much as I didn't think I did, I cared. In the deepest pits of my heart I could feel the ache, but it only lasted for a second. Which is a great improvement over before. If you're wondering why I'm writing this if I'm so over you this is why, because I want this to be the last thing I say on the subject.
I did care, a lot. And for quite some time, a really long time. But here's the thing, it was only when my loneliness was at its peak that you crossed my mind, that I really thought I cared. Only then. I did care, but now I see, I just used the idea of you to supplement my loneliness. That's why this lasted as long as it did, and I'm sorry. I'm over it, and it's done. This is my closure.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Verse Vs Inverse
Pity, take pity on me
Because I’m not have the man that I should be
- Death Cab For Cutie
I am trying my best to wipe all of these thoughts from my brain. If there's anything I've learned lately its that trying to predict the future will NEVER work out. But I can't stop thinking about it, and the more I try to stop thinking about it the more I think about it until it becomes this obsessive cycle of trying not to worry about something that I have the total right to be worried about. And I just wish that at some point a sure thing would happen. I am sick of this whole adapting to whatever life throws at me thing.
Comfort is the problem. I have finally found a place to be comfortable in and something of course would have to try and force me out of that, and I just don't understand why. Am I not allowed contentment for longer than the span of several months? I suppose that's true, I'd begin taking things for granted.
And still, there's that nagging feeling gnawing at my brain. And my thoughts will full circle back to all those things I am trying my hardest to not think about. And sometimes, if I just give in, my cheeks will flush and my body will warm, at just a thought. Just one thought. And almost instantaneously my brain will shoot them down and my stomach will begin to ache and I'll go on with whatever I was trying to do as if that wave of emotion never occurred.
And I can't say it's healthy.
And I can't say I like it.
But it's better then the alternative.
Because I’m not have the man that I should be
- Death Cab For Cutie
I am trying my best to wipe all of these thoughts from my brain. If there's anything I've learned lately its that trying to predict the future will NEVER work out. But I can't stop thinking about it, and the more I try to stop thinking about it the more I think about it until it becomes this obsessive cycle of trying not to worry about something that I have the total right to be worried about. And I just wish that at some point a sure thing would happen. I am sick of this whole adapting to whatever life throws at me thing.
Comfort is the problem. I have finally found a place to be comfortable in and something of course would have to try and force me out of that, and I just don't understand why. Am I not allowed contentment for longer than the span of several months? I suppose that's true, I'd begin taking things for granted.
And still, there's that nagging feeling gnawing at my brain. And my thoughts will full circle back to all those things I am trying my hardest to not think about. And sometimes, if I just give in, my cheeks will flush and my body will warm, at just a thought. Just one thought. And almost instantaneously my brain will shoot them down and my stomach will begin to ache and I'll go on with whatever I was trying to do as if that wave of emotion never occurred.
And I can't say it's healthy.
And I can't say I like it.
But it's better then the alternative.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Antics
Saw a girl on the street from my home
Like a fire on the hillside she shown
And I knew right then that my best days were gone
And I’d been, been in the lowlands too long - Gillian Welch
I don't know why but lately I just haven't been able to find the proper words to truly demonstrate how I'm feeling. I've come to accept that regardless of what I say someone will assume I mean something else.
I received some advice from a friend the other day, just be yourself.
What if I don't like who that is? I am ashamed of certain parts of me that have become apparent lately, and I can't seem to rid myself of these things that seem to motivate me. Maybe I am not being myself, and that's what is so upsetting. I don't know why I can't just let go, and allow myself to maybe look stupid or make mistakes because after all I am human. But I just can't, I am paralyzed by the thought that maybe, for some reason somebody wont like me for the way I am, and thats totally unwarranted because anyone that I've truly trusted enough to catch a glimpse of me, has never been disappointed.
So If I know that, and when it comes to people I don't care about I am completely confident, then why can't I act the same way when it comes to people I might want to care about? And then I'll spend all this time thinking about how much this bothers me and less time actually trying to fix the problem.
I am a fool.
Just a sorry fool.
Like a fire on the hillside she shown
And I knew right then that my best days were gone
And I’d been, been in the lowlands too long - Gillian Welch
I don't know why but lately I just haven't been able to find the proper words to truly demonstrate how I'm feeling. I've come to accept that regardless of what I say someone will assume I mean something else.
I received some advice from a friend the other day, just be yourself.
What if I don't like who that is? I am ashamed of certain parts of me that have become apparent lately, and I can't seem to rid myself of these things that seem to motivate me. Maybe I am not being myself, and that's what is so upsetting. I don't know why I can't just let go, and allow myself to maybe look stupid or make mistakes because after all I am human. But I just can't, I am paralyzed by the thought that maybe, for some reason somebody wont like me for the way I am, and thats totally unwarranted because anyone that I've truly trusted enough to catch a glimpse of me, has never been disappointed.
So If I know that, and when it comes to people I don't care about I am completely confident, then why can't I act the same way when it comes to people I might want to care about? And then I'll spend all this time thinking about how much this bothers me and less time actually trying to fix the problem.
I am a fool.
Just a sorry fool.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010
Hello cowgirl in the sand
Is this place at your command
Can I stay here for a while
Can I see your sweet sweet smile - Neil Young
Smell: Earl Grey Tea
Taste: Dried Cranberries
Sound: Folk
Watching: My life fly by me
Reading: Breakfast Of Champions - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
I am: Happy
I want: Everyday of 2010 to feel this good.
Is this place at your command
Can I stay here for a while
Can I see your sweet sweet smile - Neil Young
Smell: Earl Grey Tea
Taste: Dried Cranberries
Sound: Folk
Watching: My life fly by me
Reading: Breakfast Of Champions - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
I am: Happy
I want: Everyday of 2010 to feel this good.
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