Rafiki

So anytime somebody needs you,
Don't let them down although it grieves you,
Someday you'll need someone like they do - Led Zeppelin

My friends can read me like a book. And it's amazing how I can think about something, but until someone says it to me aloud, it's almost like I've never really thought about it at all. But when I start to vent and whine about all these things that I feel like I can't change they will tell me exactly what I was afraid of. They will say I can change it but I...

"over-complicate things"
"think too much"
"are lazy, either you don't really want what you say you do, or you're scared"
"Maybe the reason you care more about my relationship is because if you actually built your own you'd have to take some sort of risk"

And it's true. Every single freaking word. And I know this, I've known all these things before anyone brought it up, but I never accepted it. I assumed that it was just me being overly judgemental, but maybe I've been to lax with myself. I've let myself perpetually sit in a stew of my own problems, that I can fix. That I can do something about, but I wont. I sit on top of them, and complain about them. But will do nothing to fix them.

I have never taken a huge risk on anyone. I always gave into the idea of a sure thing. I have never, once, as long as I can remember, put myself out on a limb for someone. And maybe that's why relationships, they don't work. Or maybe it's because I spend all my time thinking about what to say and how to say it, when really the words probabily aren't all that hard to conjure up.
Maybe I am lazy.
Maybe I am scared.
And maybe I've forgotten how to talk to people I don't know.

Or maybe it's a combination of all 3.
And then when I finally do want to talk to someone, what do I have? Just this abrasive fucking attitude. I am so good at being an asshole, I never revert out of it fast enough to show anyone that I really am a good person.

And all my friends know this.
And all my friends say this.
And sometimes that makes me wonder,
how did I even get friends in the first place?