[untitled]

I feel like I've had all the sense I was missing knocked into me. Literally knocked into me with blunt force. I can't do that thing I would do... or maybe the word is wont. Where I will just allow myself to get so entranced in an idea or thought that I let it consume me. I still want the same things, but its almost as if all the words I've been saying regarding such things I'm actually starting to feel. And react to.
I talk about forever, and I had this idea that forever is saved for someone that things just work with.
But upon further thought and examination, I was and am totally completely wrong. I don't even have the courage to try to make anything work. I'm like a fucking scared puppy. God forbid I actually compromised with someone or acted sane for like one second.
And it's so easy to act on emotions initially. It's so easy to ask someone out or make the first move and kiss someone. But if there was something that really required me to stick my neck out and take a chance on someone, fat freaking chance.
Now I'll attribute that to the fact I'm young and I have forever to find someone worth trying for. But I have this sinking feeling in my gut that forever just isn't enough time. I am so dysfunctional or at least I pretend to be, and I'll say everything is the problem except me.
Really god forbid I will ever take a risk on anything. The pathetic part is I know, and I preach, and I tell myself that this is my one life to live, so this is the only opportunity I will get to ever risk anything. But despite that realization, and telling myself that. I cannot. I refuse. My entire body fights back as if I am suggesting something absolutely absurd.

And then I'll have these dreams. Dreams that are so completely ridiculous but the person I'm playing is still so freaking logical. I can't break this curse.

To truly connect with someone, or get anywhere in life, all logic must be thrown out the window. And me, no matter how much I say to me or anyone else on the matter, I cannot break these confines.
Only a fool is practices logic.