Woa Woes

Don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can come by any time you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun - Wilco

I'll pay for all this. Nothing comes without a price. I think maybe I am paying for all of this. Or maybe it's just one of those things that have to happen. The penance for your sins, but in this case I'm not necessarily paying for sins, but rather my happiness. A good life. Bad days happen to everyone.. right? And sure usually they don't come in as quick succession as they have been, but here in Tucson when it rains, it pours.
So I'll wait for this shit storm to pass. Because I know that my usually thick skin under all this "moisture" softens up and soon anything said to me can hit me like a shock of lightening. Or a hammer to my heart. And I'll take it personally and then to bed, where I'll sleep on it, and think about it. And let it consume me until my skin has all melted away an my insides exposed.
And I hate when this happens, because I can tell anyone EXACTLY how the days to come will play out. Every little thing will frustrate me, until I become so irate no one wants to deal with me.
And I guess that's everyone else's penance for being in my life. But if I look on the bright side, this one time, at least when all this is over I know that these people who surround me are the real ones worth wasting my time on, my precious little time. Because we all know how little of it we have to spend, and god knows when I'll suddenly go for broke and my time finally used up.

But for the time I have left, up until the very bittersweet end I want to know I did everything I could to love my life. A smart guy once told me, you can't wait for love but you have to find it. And anything I've loved in life I had to take a shot on, a huge risk of looking like an idiot, or pathetic, and not caring. Because as with everything, you have to start somewhere. And someone will always judge you.
So the relevance of this tirade?

Maybe the reason it's been raining crap lately is because that's what I've been taking from the world. I've been accepting this shit from the universe and throwing it back in its face with my anger and my bitter attitude. Maybe instead of fighting the De of the universe I should just flow with the currents, because when they get rough the more you fight, the more you'll be likely to thrown off board and dragged downstream regardless of where you want to go.

I need to fight for what I want.
I need to accept things the way they are.
And appreciate what I've got because regardless of what I want or think I'm ready for,
the universe will ultimately decide.
So while I try to live out these contradictions,
I can only hope that one day all this will fall into place
and be well worth the wait.