They say "they never really miss you til you dead or you gone"
So on that note i'm leaving after the song
- Jay Z
I hope I don't take things for granted. I acknowledge all the wonderful things I've been blessed with in the back of my mind, all the time. And feel like I could never ask for more, and yet I always find myself wanting. And telling myself I need more. Do I feel entitled to more? I'd like to think that everyone feels this way. The longing for something else, something that will solve me. Complete me.
Like Shel Silversten's kid's book "The Missing Piece". Where the circle is missing a little piece and so he spends his whole life going on this journey to find the piece to complete him, and when he finds it he starts to miss all the things he had when he didn't have the piece. I guess thats the trick.
To want something, but be aware that even without it nothing is wrong. And without it you love your life anyway, but having it there will just make everything look brighter, taste sweeter, and feel better. The Circle just spent the entire book looking for the piece and taking for granted all the wonderful little things he had just rolling slowly around. He wanted something more, something greater.
And maybe that's just one of those built in things where we always think we need things to make our lives better but in reality it changes nothing. And maybe everyone feels like that.
But I just wish for once, that whatever I thought I needed, I did need.
And what I wanted, I truly wanted.
And I would quit convincing myself that everything would be better "if",
and look at my life and go,
nothing could be better than this.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Today
I don’t want to live, but I sure don’t want to die.
I’m stuttering again and tellin' her goodbye. - The Avett Brothers
I'm overthinking. I have exhausted myself thinking about all these things I don't need to be thinking about and I don't even have the energy to feel good. Atleast not today. My heart aches and my head hurts and my eyes might as well be crying.
I think it's just this day. I've been doing better. I know I've been doing better. But moments like this, moments like this just kill me. I don't want to move, to talk, to feel, and I just need something to happen or else I'll get stuck right here between my musky sheets and my muskier comforter. And I promise I will disappear for weeks until all this shit casing has melted away and I can finally breathe freely again, without the overwhelming weight of all this crap pushing down on top of me.
And it's nothing worth getting upset about, but I keep feeling more anxious. I am a spring getting wound up, and all this tension is going to make me freaking EXPLODE. And there is nothing I can do. Because waiting for this all to just blow up in my face is only gonna make my anxiety worse.
I haven't been here for a while. In fact I can say its been months since its been this bad. Breathing feels like its hard enough, and it is getting harder and harder to tell myself that I'm okay. Usually I am okay. And usually I don't have to remind myself that I'm okay. But today, it's like I am reliving the past 3 years of my life where I just felt not okay.
And I want to sink back into the ground and disappear where no one will know I've gone. My silent limbo that no one understands except me. Only me.
But what makes this different from all the other times when I could just... not, is that I have people in my life who will notice I'm gone.
Or maybe they wont, but they'll react to it.
Perhaps get upset with me, even frustrated.
But the element remains the same,
that when I'm feeling like this,
all I've got is me to hold me up.
And sometimes I just don't have the strength for that.
I’m stuttering again and tellin' her goodbye. - The Avett Brothers
I'm overthinking. I have exhausted myself thinking about all these things I don't need to be thinking about and I don't even have the energy to feel good. Atleast not today. My heart aches and my head hurts and my eyes might as well be crying.
I think it's just this day. I've been doing better. I know I've been doing better. But moments like this, moments like this just kill me. I don't want to move, to talk, to feel, and I just need something to happen or else I'll get stuck right here between my musky sheets and my muskier comforter. And I promise I will disappear for weeks until all this shit casing has melted away and I can finally breathe freely again, without the overwhelming weight of all this crap pushing down on top of me.
And it's nothing worth getting upset about, but I keep feeling more anxious. I am a spring getting wound up, and all this tension is going to make me freaking EXPLODE. And there is nothing I can do. Because waiting for this all to just blow up in my face is only gonna make my anxiety worse.
I haven't been here for a while. In fact I can say its been months since its been this bad. Breathing feels like its hard enough, and it is getting harder and harder to tell myself that I'm okay. Usually I am okay. And usually I don't have to remind myself that I'm okay. But today, it's like I am reliving the past 3 years of my life where I just felt not okay.
And I want to sink back into the ground and disappear where no one will know I've gone. My silent limbo that no one understands except me. Only me.
But what makes this different from all the other times when I could just... not, is that I have people in my life who will notice I'm gone.
Or maybe they wont, but they'll react to it.
Perhaps get upset with me, even frustrated.
But the element remains the same,
that when I'm feeling like this,
all I've got is me to hold me up.
And sometimes I just don't have the strength for that.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Feeling of Feeling.
Oh the world
Still decieves you as it turns
Well in my weakest moments I could see
Oh that the heart may be
The weakest part of me - Noah And The Whale
I get so paranoid. When people start doing things I do, and thinking like me, it freaks me out. I feel like they're trying to steal things from me. Not physically, but in otherways. Little tid-bits of my personality. The way I speak, and look, and the things I do. I am afraid that if someone takes enough of me and makes it their own, I'd have nothing left. I might as well just fade into the background and disappear. Or better yet, just cease to exist at all.
Does that make me conceited? Because I don't believe it's out of conceit that I think this way. It's that I think people are vicious enough they would want to steal everything that makes me an individual from me. Is it wrong that I don't want to just fade into the background?
I am not trying to make myself seem like I am something special to everyone in the world. But I know I am to me. And I know I am to people I know. So why would they still want to know me if there's someone who can look, act, and talk just like me? Think just like me. What the hell would be the point?
And I feel so selfish. I want to keep all these things in a pile and guard them so no one will ever see them and want to take them. That in itself is demolishing who I am. Then that's like I am purposely hiding components to myself just because I'm scared someone else will come along and play me better than me.
Then what would I have left,
when the best role I play in this great story,
is usurped by someone else?
Still decieves you as it turns
Well in my weakest moments I could see
Oh that the heart may be
The weakest part of me - Noah And The Whale
I get so paranoid. When people start doing things I do, and thinking like me, it freaks me out. I feel like they're trying to steal things from me. Not physically, but in otherways. Little tid-bits of my personality. The way I speak, and look, and the things I do. I am afraid that if someone takes enough of me and makes it their own, I'd have nothing left. I might as well just fade into the background and disappear. Or better yet, just cease to exist at all.
Does that make me conceited? Because I don't believe it's out of conceit that I think this way. It's that I think people are vicious enough they would want to steal everything that makes me an individual from me. Is it wrong that I don't want to just fade into the background?
I am not trying to make myself seem like I am something special to everyone in the world. But I know I am to me. And I know I am to people I know. So why would they still want to know me if there's someone who can look, act, and talk just like me? Think just like me. What the hell would be the point?
And I feel so selfish. I want to keep all these things in a pile and guard them so no one will ever see them and want to take them. That in itself is demolishing who I am. Then that's like I am purposely hiding components to myself just because I'm scared someone else will come along and play me better than me.
Then what would I have left,
when the best role I play in this great story,
is usurped by someone else?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Only In Dreams?
I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.
I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain. - The Avett Brothers
I couldn't sleep last night. Every time I drifted off I dreamed it was the end of the world, and I was the only one that could save it. Well, the only one that wanted to save it. Everyone else was afraid, and upset, but no one would do anything about it. Just me. And I would try to save it, and I couldn't, then I'd wake up. I have been wondering lately if this world is a lost cause. All these people, that wander around numb to events going on around them, they're already lost to their ignorance. I don't want to believe that. But anyone who thinks like me tells me that humanity is a lost cause.
We can't be lost, can we? Everyone can be redeemed right? But what if, what if now we're too far gone? We are such a supposedly intelligent species, but how can we just get so lost in ourselves that eventually we make it impossible to live? And how can we be so indifferent about our fellow human beings just because they don't speak like us or look like us? How can we be so indifferent about, not just our fellow species, but every other species out there that we are killing with our selfish need to fuel and travel expediently? I cannot be the only one with a conscience. I refuse to believe that. What ever happened to the counterculture "freaks" of the 60's and 70's who preached equality and fought peaceably for their ideals? Did they all get lost? Or just absorbed by mainstream society?
Am I the last living human who hurts when she thinks about how children go starving everyday, and animals are robbed of their homes just so we can fulfill our materialistic desire?
I need to live, and get by, like everyone else. I have to exist and use resources yes, but is everyone else ignorant to the fact that one day these resources will be used up and at the rate we're burning them we'll be out of them in no time? Each and everyone of us is slowly committing suicide and soon there will be nothing left.
I hope that I am not naive and too idealistic. I hope that somewhere out there, there are people who realize all these things and want to do something about it.
If not, god save us all.
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.
I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain. - The Avett Brothers
I couldn't sleep last night. Every time I drifted off I dreamed it was the end of the world, and I was the only one that could save it. Well, the only one that wanted to save it. Everyone else was afraid, and upset, but no one would do anything about it. Just me. And I would try to save it, and I couldn't, then I'd wake up. I have been wondering lately if this world is a lost cause. All these people, that wander around numb to events going on around them, they're already lost to their ignorance. I don't want to believe that. But anyone who thinks like me tells me that humanity is a lost cause.
We can't be lost, can we? Everyone can be redeemed right? But what if, what if now we're too far gone? We are such a supposedly intelligent species, but how can we just get so lost in ourselves that eventually we make it impossible to live? And how can we be so indifferent about our fellow human beings just because they don't speak like us or look like us? How can we be so indifferent about, not just our fellow species, but every other species out there that we are killing with our selfish need to fuel and travel expediently? I cannot be the only one with a conscience. I refuse to believe that. What ever happened to the counterculture "freaks" of the 60's and 70's who preached equality and fought peaceably for their ideals? Did they all get lost? Or just absorbed by mainstream society?
Am I the last living human who hurts when she thinks about how children go starving everyday, and animals are robbed of their homes just so we can fulfill our materialistic desire?
I need to live, and get by, like everyone else. I have to exist and use resources yes, but is everyone else ignorant to the fact that one day these resources will be used up and at the rate we're burning them we'll be out of them in no time? Each and everyone of us is slowly committing suicide and soon there will be nothing left.
I hope that I am not naive and too idealistic. I hope that somewhere out there, there are people who realize all these things and want to do something about it.
If not, god save us all.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I like beer.
Never have I ever been
Clutching at your hair to cure you of some sin,
But that's the kind of state I'm in:
Swimming in a pool of godly medicine. - Passion Pit
Can I first say that I am not an alcoholic? Cause I'm not. I really enjoy beer. I don't understand why that's such a strange thing to say to people. We Americans have this weird notion that when we drink we have to get drunk, right? Bullshit. I like drinking beers because they taste good! and the after effects are a plus, but I never drink with the intention I'm going to get drunk.
I'll admit that I have been drunk, really drunk before, but it's part of learning to drink. What I don't understand is when you've been drinking for a couple years and you are STILL trying to get shit faced. Who enjoys vomiting every 10 minutes? Or not remembering the previous night? AND you just look like an idiot.
Yes, I like beer.
Yes, I enjoy getting tipsy.
But if everytime you drink you get so drunk you can't take care of yourself, then why would you continue to put yourself through that?
Love yourself,
it's the only you you'll ever get to be.
Clutching at your hair to cure you of some sin,
But that's the kind of state I'm in:
Swimming in a pool of godly medicine. - Passion Pit
Can I first say that I am not an alcoholic? Cause I'm not. I really enjoy beer. I don't understand why that's such a strange thing to say to people. We Americans have this weird notion that when we drink we have to get drunk, right? Bullshit. I like drinking beers because they taste good! and the after effects are a plus, but I never drink with the intention I'm going to get drunk.
I'll admit that I have been drunk, really drunk before, but it's part of learning to drink. What I don't understand is when you've been drinking for a couple years and you are STILL trying to get shit faced. Who enjoys vomiting every 10 minutes? Or not remembering the previous night? AND you just look like an idiot.
Yes, I like beer.
Yes, I enjoy getting tipsy.
But if everytime you drink you get so drunk you can't take care of yourself, then why would you continue to put yourself through that?
Love yourself,
it's the only you you'll ever get to be.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Ten Years
Save up all the days
A routine malaise
Just like yesterday
I told you I would stay
Would you always
Maybe sometimes
Make it easy
Take your time - Grizzly Bear
10 years he said. He is 30 years old and he's been with the same women for ten years. Woken up to the same face, for ten years. I'm stuck on that. 10 years. That's an entire decade spent in the presence of another person, but that's not what I find the weirdest part. 10 years ago would make him about 20? I am about 20.
10 years, that is like me meeting someone now and being with them for 10 years. I wonder what thats like. I can't even fathom a couple years... but 10. I wish I could confidently say that I could care about someone that long. The first thing that pops into my head when I think about that amount of time is god, don't you get bored? 10 years worth of fights, and conversations, and kissing, and love, doesn't that get repetitive? I don't think I could do it.
I want to say I can. I want to be able to say that I know one day I will be capable of being with someone that long, but I just can't imagine that. How do people do that? Give me a couple weeks, a month, maybe even a year, and I'm out. I can't do it. But 10 long years, that takes something.
Maybe I'm missing something.
Maybe I am missing something.
But what could I be missing?
A routine malaise
Just like yesterday
I told you I would stay
Would you always
Maybe sometimes
Make it easy
Take your time - Grizzly Bear
10 years he said. He is 30 years old and he's been with the same women for ten years. Woken up to the same face, for ten years. I'm stuck on that. 10 years. That's an entire decade spent in the presence of another person, but that's not what I find the weirdest part. 10 years ago would make him about 20? I am about 20.
10 years, that is like me meeting someone now and being with them for 10 years. I wonder what thats like. I can't even fathom a couple years... but 10. I wish I could confidently say that I could care about someone that long. The first thing that pops into my head when I think about that amount of time is god, don't you get bored? 10 years worth of fights, and conversations, and kissing, and love, doesn't that get repetitive? I don't think I could do it.
I want to say I can. I want to be able to say that I know one day I will be capable of being with someone that long, but I just can't imagine that. How do people do that? Give me a couple weeks, a month, maybe even a year, and I'm out. I can't do it. But 10 long years, that takes something.
Maybe I'm missing something.
Maybe I am missing something.
But what could I be missing?
Monday, January 18, 2010
I'm a muse a muse a muse ing
The liquor over here's stronger
I cannot stay very much longer
I don't know where I belong
But, sugar, it ain't in your arms -Langhorne Slim
I wish I could be that girl that makes someones heart stop. Man that's so cheesy, but doesn't everyone want that? To just make someone completely speechless the first time they meet you? Okay so maybe I've been watching too many chick flicks, but hey what's wrong with wanting to be one of the most beautiful girls a man sees? I'd like to believe in love at first sight.
I don't mean the kind of movie love, when the guy and the girl know each other for like.. what a week? But they're both in relationships with people that they've been with for years, but for some reason after a week of knowing said person they decide to throw this couple year commitment down the drain. No not that love, but maybe Two For the Road kind of love. The 'I think you're cute but damnit you are such an ass' kind of love that shouldn't work but does. And maybe I've seen to many movies, and I am being unrealistic. Maybe I've been waiting for that burst of lightening that totally just blows my mind, when in reality there is no lightening burst or spark of electricity. Just plain attraction that turns into a sort of addiction.
Now don't mistake me, I don't want passion. I don't want flowers, or fancy dinners, and I am truly sick of having songs written about me. I just want 'I could wake up next to you everyday grow old together never run out of things to talk about' love. I want to get in fights that always end in laughter. I want love I don't question. I want forever love, but I'll never find it.
I know I'm the type of person who'll want something forever, and unless it's exactly what I've always wanted for forever it won't be enough.
It's funny how bad you can want something, and that desire will prevent you from getting it.
That would be me.
I cannot stay very much longer
I don't know where I belong
But, sugar, it ain't in your arms -Langhorne Slim
I wish I could be that girl that makes someones heart stop. Man that's so cheesy, but doesn't everyone want that? To just make someone completely speechless the first time they meet you? Okay so maybe I've been watching too many chick flicks, but hey what's wrong with wanting to be one of the most beautiful girls a man sees? I'd like to believe in love at first sight.
I don't mean the kind of movie love, when the guy and the girl know each other for like.. what a week? But they're both in relationships with people that they've been with for years, but for some reason after a week of knowing said person they decide to throw this couple year commitment down the drain. No not that love, but maybe Two For the Road kind of love. The 'I think you're cute but damnit you are such an ass' kind of love that shouldn't work but does. And maybe I've seen to many movies, and I am being unrealistic. Maybe I've been waiting for that burst of lightening that totally just blows my mind, when in reality there is no lightening burst or spark of electricity. Just plain attraction that turns into a sort of addiction.
Now don't mistake me, I don't want passion. I don't want flowers, or fancy dinners, and I am truly sick of having songs written about me. I just want 'I could wake up next to you everyday grow old together never run out of things to talk about' love. I want to get in fights that always end in laughter. I want love I don't question. I want forever love, but I'll never find it.
I know I'm the type of person who'll want something forever, and unless it's exactly what I've always wanted for forever it won't be enough.
It's funny how bad you can want something, and that desire will prevent you from getting it.
That would be me.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Gravity
Yeah I want to pull you down into bed.
I want to cast your face in lead.
Well every time I pull you close,
Push my face into your hair,
Cream rinse and tobacco smoke
That sickly scent is always, always there
- Cake
Get it out of me. These words they’re like a disease. Or maybe I’m like a spring, overflowing and over-compensating for the world around me. These words flowing up out of my mouth like vomit. I am a bulimic of the English language. I think any thought I have I could probably vomit up in an acceptable jumble of witty phrases and intriguing scenarios. Fuck that. I never wanted to be a writer, but I was born with this horrible ability to just spew everything everywhere. And maybe it’s not as bad as a make it seem, I could be blessed with worse. But I hate that I cant control the force with which it comes. I’ll have days, weeks, months, where it will just be a never ending spew of these foul shapes that somehow can be interpreted as a thought or a story.
I want to be free of this curse, but at the same time it’s the most comforting thing I’ve ever had. When other people lay awake at night with tears welling up in their eyes because they’re too emotionally retarded to express how they feel, I can express myself without a thought. A few clicks of my fingers or vibrations of my voice box and I can tell anyone or anything, anywhere what I think of them at that exact moment.
Okay that’s an exaggeration, I have had moments where the words just seemed to be lost on me, and their meaning as empty as an orange rind with all the juice squeezed out. And when that happens I am scared. Truly those moments when I am at a loss for words are when something serious has, or will occur. Its like somehow my brain can read the universe better then my own thoughts and will cause me to temporarily shut down so I don’t overload trying to frantically record exactly what was going through my mind.
But when I need it most, when I feel the tears gathering at the brim of my eyes, I know that this is what I come to to comfort myself. These words are like a blanket for my weary soul when the traveling gets hard, in this existence. When the feet of my spirit get riddled with blisters and I just feel like laying down and quitting, these words are what I have left to keep my sanity intact, and despite how much I might despise this sometimes, that is a true gift. I know as long as I have these words I’ll have something reliable to hold me up when all my other pillars have crumbled beneath the weight of human emotions and unreasonable expectation. That is comforting, but I refuse to bask in that comfort. Instead I’ll squeeze all the creative juice from my soul, and like a drought I’ll be free of these words for a while. But no droughts last forever, and as it should be I will blossom again full of juice and sweet as ever, ready to drain myself again.
I want to cast your face in lead.
Well every time I pull you close,
Push my face into your hair,
Cream rinse and tobacco smoke
That sickly scent is always, always there
- Cake
Get it out of me. These words they’re like a disease. Or maybe I’m like a spring, overflowing and over-compensating for the world around me. These words flowing up out of my mouth like vomit. I am a bulimic of the English language. I think any thought I have I could probably vomit up in an acceptable jumble of witty phrases and intriguing scenarios. Fuck that. I never wanted to be a writer, but I was born with this horrible ability to just spew everything everywhere. And maybe it’s not as bad as a make it seem, I could be blessed with worse. But I hate that I cant control the force with which it comes. I’ll have days, weeks, months, where it will just be a never ending spew of these foul shapes that somehow can be interpreted as a thought or a story.
I want to be free of this curse, but at the same time it’s the most comforting thing I’ve ever had. When other people lay awake at night with tears welling up in their eyes because they’re too emotionally retarded to express how they feel, I can express myself without a thought. A few clicks of my fingers or vibrations of my voice box and I can tell anyone or anything, anywhere what I think of them at that exact moment.
Okay that’s an exaggeration, I have had moments where the words just seemed to be lost on me, and their meaning as empty as an orange rind with all the juice squeezed out. And when that happens I am scared. Truly those moments when I am at a loss for words are when something serious has, or will occur. Its like somehow my brain can read the universe better then my own thoughts and will cause me to temporarily shut down so I don’t overload trying to frantically record exactly what was going through my mind.
But when I need it most, when I feel the tears gathering at the brim of my eyes, I know that this is what I come to to comfort myself. These words are like a blanket for my weary soul when the traveling gets hard, in this existence. When the feet of my spirit get riddled with blisters and I just feel like laying down and quitting, these words are what I have left to keep my sanity intact, and despite how much I might despise this sometimes, that is a true gift. I know as long as I have these words I’ll have something reliable to hold me up when all my other pillars have crumbled beneath the weight of human emotions and unreasonable expectation. That is comforting, but I refuse to bask in that comfort. Instead I’ll squeeze all the creative juice from my soul, and like a drought I’ll be free of these words for a while. But no droughts last forever, and as it should be I will blossom again full of juice and sweet as ever, ready to drain myself again.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
In an aeroplane over the sea
In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change - Coldplay
I get too attached. I am being self-destructive, I feel it. A nuclear bomb has been dropped and its going to burst, I know it.
You make me angry. The un-specific you. You make my skin fucking crawl sometimes, and then you do the sweetest things. You are so freaking bi-polar I can't see you clearly anymore. The way you act and the things you do seem to be polar opposites, and all of a sudden all my reason is lost.
I want to tell you how to live your life, you need some fucking direction but it's not my place. I have nothing invested, and sometimes I really wish I did because really you're truly something, but I can't, and I won't. I refuse to allow myself to be wooed by someone who can't piece his life together when it's falling apart. How can you just let it all fall apart? For the sake of that poor girl jesus you have to pull yourself together, but you won't. I know you well enough to know you're a good boy, man, whatever, but you can be such an idiot. This person should be able to rely on you, and one day you're going to wish that she could, but she won't because you were never there.
And god I want to tell you that. All of that, but I can't, because if I did you wouldn't listen. If I did you'd just think I was acting crazy or being a fool but I just care, I really truly care, but it's not my place to care. And it brings tears to my eyes at the thought that this little girl will never truly know you. She won't know all the sweet things that I know you are capable of. You will just be the man who never tried and that makes you a very sorry son of a bitch, because one of these days I just know it, an atom bomb will drop in your heart when you realize she wants nothing to do with you.
You could fix it, if you wanted to you could prevent all of this, but you wont. And in some ways I wish you'd somehow read this. I wish that you would read this and be hurt and get upset and tell me how wrong I am. I want you to prove me wrong and tell me that you do care, and I don't know what I'm talking about. Then maybe you'd go to that crazy woman and tell her you want to be involved. That you want to be there for that little girl.
But I know you, you like to think you're helpless. You like to play the fool, but damnit you're not. I want to tell you to grow a pair and just grow up. Grow the fuck up and be a father, but I won't. It's not my place.
But goddamnit I wish it was.
Were lines that I couldn't change - Coldplay
I get too attached. I am being self-destructive, I feel it. A nuclear bomb has been dropped and its going to burst, I know it.
You make me angry. The un-specific you. You make my skin fucking crawl sometimes, and then you do the sweetest things. You are so freaking bi-polar I can't see you clearly anymore. The way you act and the things you do seem to be polar opposites, and all of a sudden all my reason is lost.
I want to tell you how to live your life, you need some fucking direction but it's not my place. I have nothing invested, and sometimes I really wish I did because really you're truly something, but I can't, and I won't. I refuse to allow myself to be wooed by someone who can't piece his life together when it's falling apart. How can you just let it all fall apart? For the sake of that poor girl jesus you have to pull yourself together, but you won't. I know you well enough to know you're a good boy, man, whatever, but you can be such an idiot. This person should be able to rely on you, and one day you're going to wish that she could, but she won't because you were never there.
And god I want to tell you that. All of that, but I can't, because if I did you wouldn't listen. If I did you'd just think I was acting crazy or being a fool but I just care, I really truly care, but it's not my place to care. And it brings tears to my eyes at the thought that this little girl will never truly know you. She won't know all the sweet things that I know you are capable of. You will just be the man who never tried and that makes you a very sorry son of a bitch, because one of these days I just know it, an atom bomb will drop in your heart when you realize she wants nothing to do with you.
You could fix it, if you wanted to you could prevent all of this, but you wont. And in some ways I wish you'd somehow read this. I wish that you would read this and be hurt and get upset and tell me how wrong I am. I want you to prove me wrong and tell me that you do care, and I don't know what I'm talking about. Then maybe you'd go to that crazy woman and tell her you want to be involved. That you want to be there for that little girl.
But I know you, you like to think you're helpless. You like to play the fool, but damnit you're not. I want to tell you to grow a pair and just grow up. Grow the fuck up and be a father, but I won't. It's not my place.
But goddamnit I wish it was.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Getting even is not the best revenge, it's the only revenge.
Help me or
make me feel fine
I feel I've wasted my time.
- Brian Jonestown Massacre
Okay so maybe it's not getting even, or even revenge, but there is something truly satisfying in the idea that someone who thought they could do better isn't.
And maybe I spent too much time talking about how much I didn't care, and maybe that meant I did. But as soon as I stop thinking about it, I couldn't care less. And I hate that you kept this from me, cause you thought I'd care. And I hate that when I saw her for the first time I felt good, I felt damn good at the thought that you've down-graded, and my luck's only improved.
And at the same time it stung, because I saw that somewhere as much as I didn't think I did, I cared. In the deepest pits of my heart I could feel the ache, but it only lasted for a second. Which is a great improvement over before. If you're wondering why I'm writing this if I'm so over you this is why, because I want this to be the last thing I say on the subject.
I did care, a lot. And for quite some time, a really long time. But here's the thing, it was only when my loneliness was at its peak that you crossed my mind, that I really thought I cared. Only then. I did care, but now I see, I just used the idea of you to supplement my loneliness. That's why this lasted as long as it did, and I'm sorry. I'm over it, and it's done. This is my closure.
make me feel fine
I feel I've wasted my time.
- Brian Jonestown Massacre
Okay so maybe it's not getting even, or even revenge, but there is something truly satisfying in the idea that someone who thought they could do better isn't.
And maybe I spent too much time talking about how much I didn't care, and maybe that meant I did. But as soon as I stop thinking about it, I couldn't care less. And I hate that you kept this from me, cause you thought I'd care. And I hate that when I saw her for the first time I felt good, I felt damn good at the thought that you've down-graded, and my luck's only improved.
And at the same time it stung, because I saw that somewhere as much as I didn't think I did, I cared. In the deepest pits of my heart I could feel the ache, but it only lasted for a second. Which is a great improvement over before. If you're wondering why I'm writing this if I'm so over you this is why, because I want this to be the last thing I say on the subject.
I did care, a lot. And for quite some time, a really long time. But here's the thing, it was only when my loneliness was at its peak that you crossed my mind, that I really thought I cared. Only then. I did care, but now I see, I just used the idea of you to supplement my loneliness. That's why this lasted as long as it did, and I'm sorry. I'm over it, and it's done. This is my closure.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Verse Vs Inverse
Pity, take pity on me
Because I’m not have the man that I should be
- Death Cab For Cutie
I am trying my best to wipe all of these thoughts from my brain. If there's anything I've learned lately its that trying to predict the future will NEVER work out. But I can't stop thinking about it, and the more I try to stop thinking about it the more I think about it until it becomes this obsessive cycle of trying not to worry about something that I have the total right to be worried about. And I just wish that at some point a sure thing would happen. I am sick of this whole adapting to whatever life throws at me thing.
Comfort is the problem. I have finally found a place to be comfortable in and something of course would have to try and force me out of that, and I just don't understand why. Am I not allowed contentment for longer than the span of several months? I suppose that's true, I'd begin taking things for granted.
And still, there's that nagging feeling gnawing at my brain. And my thoughts will full circle back to all those things I am trying my hardest to not think about. And sometimes, if I just give in, my cheeks will flush and my body will warm, at just a thought. Just one thought. And almost instantaneously my brain will shoot them down and my stomach will begin to ache and I'll go on with whatever I was trying to do as if that wave of emotion never occurred.
And I can't say it's healthy.
And I can't say I like it.
But it's better then the alternative.
Because I’m not have the man that I should be
- Death Cab For Cutie
I am trying my best to wipe all of these thoughts from my brain. If there's anything I've learned lately its that trying to predict the future will NEVER work out. But I can't stop thinking about it, and the more I try to stop thinking about it the more I think about it until it becomes this obsessive cycle of trying not to worry about something that I have the total right to be worried about. And I just wish that at some point a sure thing would happen. I am sick of this whole adapting to whatever life throws at me thing.
Comfort is the problem. I have finally found a place to be comfortable in and something of course would have to try and force me out of that, and I just don't understand why. Am I not allowed contentment for longer than the span of several months? I suppose that's true, I'd begin taking things for granted.
And still, there's that nagging feeling gnawing at my brain. And my thoughts will full circle back to all those things I am trying my hardest to not think about. And sometimes, if I just give in, my cheeks will flush and my body will warm, at just a thought. Just one thought. And almost instantaneously my brain will shoot them down and my stomach will begin to ache and I'll go on with whatever I was trying to do as if that wave of emotion never occurred.
And I can't say it's healthy.
And I can't say I like it.
But it's better then the alternative.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Antics
Saw a girl on the street from my home
Like a fire on the hillside she shown
And I knew right then that my best days were gone
And I’d been, been in the lowlands too long - Gillian Welch
I don't know why but lately I just haven't been able to find the proper words to truly demonstrate how I'm feeling. I've come to accept that regardless of what I say someone will assume I mean something else.
I received some advice from a friend the other day, just be yourself.
What if I don't like who that is? I am ashamed of certain parts of me that have become apparent lately, and I can't seem to rid myself of these things that seem to motivate me. Maybe I am not being myself, and that's what is so upsetting. I don't know why I can't just let go, and allow myself to maybe look stupid or make mistakes because after all I am human. But I just can't, I am paralyzed by the thought that maybe, for some reason somebody wont like me for the way I am, and thats totally unwarranted because anyone that I've truly trusted enough to catch a glimpse of me, has never been disappointed.
So If I know that, and when it comes to people I don't care about I am completely confident, then why can't I act the same way when it comes to people I might want to care about? And then I'll spend all this time thinking about how much this bothers me and less time actually trying to fix the problem.
I am a fool.
Just a sorry fool.
Like a fire on the hillside she shown
And I knew right then that my best days were gone
And I’d been, been in the lowlands too long - Gillian Welch
I don't know why but lately I just haven't been able to find the proper words to truly demonstrate how I'm feeling. I've come to accept that regardless of what I say someone will assume I mean something else.
I received some advice from a friend the other day, just be yourself.
What if I don't like who that is? I am ashamed of certain parts of me that have become apparent lately, and I can't seem to rid myself of these things that seem to motivate me. Maybe I am not being myself, and that's what is so upsetting. I don't know why I can't just let go, and allow myself to maybe look stupid or make mistakes because after all I am human. But I just can't, I am paralyzed by the thought that maybe, for some reason somebody wont like me for the way I am, and thats totally unwarranted because anyone that I've truly trusted enough to catch a glimpse of me, has never been disappointed.
So If I know that, and when it comes to people I don't care about I am completely confident, then why can't I act the same way when it comes to people I might want to care about? And then I'll spend all this time thinking about how much this bothers me and less time actually trying to fix the problem.
I am a fool.
Just a sorry fool.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010
Hello cowgirl in the sand
Is this place at your command
Can I stay here for a while
Can I see your sweet sweet smile - Neil Young
Smell: Earl Grey Tea
Taste: Dried Cranberries
Sound: Folk
Watching: My life fly by me
Reading: Breakfast Of Champions - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
I am: Happy
I want: Everyday of 2010 to feel this good.
Is this place at your command
Can I stay here for a while
Can I see your sweet sweet smile - Neil Young
Smell: Earl Grey Tea
Taste: Dried Cranberries
Sound: Folk
Watching: My life fly by me
Reading: Breakfast Of Champions - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
I am: Happy
I want: Everyday of 2010 to feel this good.
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