Today

I don’t want to live, but I sure don’t want to die.
I’m stuttering again and tellin' her goodbye. - The Avett Brothers

I'm overthinking. I have exhausted myself thinking about all these things I don't need to be thinking about and I don't even have the energy to feel good. Atleast not today. My heart aches and my head hurts and my eyes might as well be crying.
I think it's just this day. I've been doing better. I know I've been doing better. But moments like this, moments like this just kill me. I don't want to move, to talk, to feel, and I just need something to happen or else I'll get stuck right here between my musky sheets and my muskier comforter. And I promise I will disappear for weeks until all this shit casing has melted away and I can finally breathe freely again, without the overwhelming weight of all this crap pushing down on top of me.
And it's nothing worth getting upset about, but I keep feeling more anxious. I am a spring getting wound up, and all this tension is going to make me freaking EXPLODE. And there is nothing I can do. Because waiting for this all to just blow up in my face is only gonna make my anxiety worse.
I haven't been here for a while. In fact I can say its been months since its been this bad. Breathing feels like its hard enough, and it is getting harder and harder to tell myself that I'm okay. Usually I am okay. And usually I don't have to remind myself that I'm okay. But today, it's like I am reliving the past 3 years of my life where I just felt not okay.
And I want to sink back into the ground and disappear where no one will know I've gone. My silent limbo that no one understands except me. Only me.
But what makes this different from all the other times when I could just... not, is that I have people in my life who will notice I'm gone.
Or maybe they wont, but they'll react to it.
Perhaps get upset with me, even frustrated.
But the element remains the same,
that when I'm feeling like this,
all I've got is me to hold me up.
And sometimes I just don't have the strength for that.